PALM BEACH, FL --- Only seventy minutes into his third marriage, Billionaire Donald Trump told his fresh baked bride Melania Knauss it's over. The real estate rat-bag turned reality TV twit said the once ravishing Slovenian beauty now looks much too much like him, and a wife that ugly is something he wouldn't even wish on Merv Griffin.
Making out with his wedding planner, Stepania Kirghuz, a former Miss Uzbekistan, he broke the news to his terrified new bride.
"Melania, when I first met you, you were beautiful. Now you almost look like me. I'm one ugly dude. I'm fifty-eight, but I look like sixty-eight. And I'm not gonna wake up next to something like that for the rest of my life. You're fired!" he said.
Trump's statement shocked not only the former Mrs., but also his wedding guests.
"Okay, none of us really believed this marriage was going to last," one guest, speaking under the condition of anonymity, said. "But I can't believe he said she looked too much like him. She looks nothing like him. And there isn't enough Botox in the world to make him look like her."
Two other male guests nodded in agreement.
"He probably hasn't gotten over the Reagan years yet," another guest speculated. "I don't think he's capable of making a deal without breaking it."
Trump's dog-eat-dog business practices earned international notoriety in the 1980s, a decade characterized by President Reagan's rat-bag economics and illegal arms deals to finance death squads in Central America.
The prenuptial agreement leaves the Slovenian beauty destitute, but Melania Trump-Knauss recovered from her initial shock very quickly, leaving the wedding reception with a smile -- and followed by a throng reporters and drooling bachelors.
"I'm devastated," she told reporters. "But I'll be okay. I have a very good attorney. I also have a very good literary agent, and although I am not allowed to publicize the details of our much too short-lived marriage, the prenup said nothing about the time we dated."
As cameras flashed and reporters scribbled onto their notepads and palm pilots, Trump-Knauss added, "And I have something else."
Flashing a flawless, pearly-white smile, she waved Donald Trump's hair piece into the air.