Written by Phil Maggitti
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Sunday, 23 January 2005

image for Woman Charges Cosby with Unfunny Assault
Bill Cosby in happier, funnier times.

"I got dizzy right after I ate the Jell-O pudding pop, then everything became a blur," says Andrea Constand, 31, who has charged comedian Bill Cosby, 66, with making "unfunny advances" toward her in his Philadelphia mansion last year. Constand, currently training to be a massage therapist, was employed in the athletic department at Philadelphia's Temple University, Cosby's alma mater, when the alleged unfunny assault took place.

Constand told police in Toronto, where she has gone into seclusion in her parents' home, that she went to dinner with Cosby and "a few other friends" in January 2004. After dinner the comedian invited her to his mansion.

"He insisted that I try this new rainbow-flavored Jell-O pudding pop," said Constand. "The next thing I knew I was tied to a chair in his screening room, and he was doing this comedy routine about a tennis player who becomes a detective."

According to Constand, "the material was some of the lamest I ever heard. It was totally whack and extremely painful to listen to. I begged him to stop and to let me go, but he got angry and started talking in this threatening Fat Albert voice. I felt violated. I finally got him to untie me by faking hysterical laughter over this joke about a rabbi, a priest, and a minister who bet on a Temple game."

Walter Phillips Jr., Cosby's attorney, said the allegations against his client, while baseless, were "no laughing matter." He said charges had yet to be filed, but willful misrepresentation and assault with comedic intent are both serious crimes.

Cosby, meanwhile, postponed an appearance in Florida, where he had been scheduled to hector yet another black audience about poorly educated children, deadbeat dads, and the dangers of rap music. He said, through his attorney, that he still plans to attend the Westminster Dog Show at Madison Square Garden next month.

A friend of Cosby's who did not wish to be identified said the comedian had been despondent recently because he felt that his humor was no longer relevant. "I know he was trying to develop some ‘edgier' routines," said the friend, "but he was having a hard time getting people to sit down and listen to him."

In related news, the makers of Depends issued a statement saying they would stand behind the troubled comedian, who became their official spokesman just last month. "Our customers still pee themselves every time they listen to Bill," said a Depends publicist.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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