Hotel heiress and amateur porn performer Paris Hilton is reportedly in a standoff with Los Angeles police following a crime spree that began in the wilds of New Jersey where she was working on the Fox TV reality show "The Simpletons."
Crew members report the alleged actress lost her temper after a segment set to be filmed at a local elementary school was canceled following complaints from several parents who felt Hilton set a "piss poor" example for their children.
According to cameraman Zack Hart, "She went crazy, even more than she usually is. We had the illegal carcass of a deer our producers paid some local hicks to shoot out of season. We were all set to film Paris and Nicole gutting it. They were really excited about doing it and everything was going great. Then we got word the school segment was canceled and Paris threw one of her hissy fits."
Cape May County police say Hilton, one of the world's most celebrated wastes of space, gutted series co-star Nicole Richie instead when Richie attempted to calm her. While stunned crew members watched, Hilton, draped in Ritchie's entrails, drove off in a catering truck.
Richie, a former heroin addict, was transported to a local hospital where she was later released on her own recognizance after staff caught her sucking morphine from empty vials in the intensive care unit.
Hilton returned to Los Angeles in the stolen truck where she was caught on a security camera covered in dried blood and still wearing her grisly trophy while shoplifting tabloid magazines at a West Hollywood newsstand that was also selling copies of the pornographic video she starred in.
A newsstand employee says Hilton was enraged at seeing her video marked down to fifty cents, and told him she was stealing it.
After absconding with the video and several tabloids featuring her face, Hilton sped away in the same stolen truck, recklessly running over several pedestrians. Witnesses say she never stopped.
Police were able to trace the vehicle to a rock in Topanga Canyon Hilton is believed to be hiding under. The standoff, which began two days ago, nearly ended after officers threw tear gas beneath the rock and reportedly heard coughing, but as of press time, Hilton still had not emerged.
Now they are reportedly bringing in highly trained counselors specializing in dealing with the mentally challenged to talk her into surrendering.
Law enforcement officials admit they've made no progress ending the siege, but are in no particular hurry.
"She can come out, or we can wait until she starves and then go in after her carcass. It's all the same to us."
When contacted for a statement, Hilton's publicist Flo Mahoney claimed she had no idea who Paris Hilton was.