Written by Proffitt
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Tuesday, 13 April 2010

image for Cowell to launch hotline for failed BGT contestants
Cowell about to talk to a talentless contestant

Has TV's Mr Nasty gone soft? Simon Cowell the mahogany millionaire is now reportedly financing a telephone hotline simply for this years failed contestants on Britain's Got Talent.

Cowell is famous for the put downs he levels at talentless, no-hopers.

"It's a little like care in the community. I mean when these contestants come on my show's and many are likeable but f*****g useless. I don't want to be responsible for the breakdown of some craggy island spinster now do I? Well, not again anyway."

This year the thousands of unlucky contestants who fall by the wayside will be able to avoid the patronising hugs dished out by the shows equally talentless bimbo Amanda Holden.

Holden famous only for shagging Les Dennis who himself was only famous for his one impression of Mavis from Coronation Street, can now stay firmly planted in her seat and let the hotline do its healing. Contestants simply call the 0800 number costing just £2.50 a minute and then listen to the heart warming message from Cowell.

I dialled the number to hear a voice sounding like Cowell's say:

"So you were unsuccessful on BGT. Don't despair too much. I'm sure you've still got your dead-end job to fall back on. Now get yourself off home and try not to think of me, my fast cars and success but concentrate on that warmed up bubble n squeak waiting in your oven.

"Be sure to tune in and watch the contestants who did do well and who are likely to go on to unreserved stardom. Don't forget we are all in the gutter but some of us don't get washed down the drain. Adios sucker."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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