All you Twi-Hards - you can stop looking now, and that's official, because there is no professionally produced sex tape of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in hot, graphically detailed sex-action.
There isn't a DIY version doing the rounds either.
My showbiz contact, eccentric British film director Buffty Ginslinger told me that he'd scoured the backstreets of London and made several calls to the US searching for the rumoured sex-tape, but was forced to concede defeat, despite his best efforts.
Because such a sex tape does not exist.
Buffty Ginslinger told us that hunting for the non-existent tape was a soul destroying experience, which would have been made doubly so had the tape been located.
"They're a lovely young couple with their lives ahead of them," he told me. "They don't want to be messing about with sordid sex tapes like that Paris Hilton and that Peaches Geldof. Frankly, I'm glad we didn't find anything."
Buffty Ginslinger then told me of his intention to sign up Kristen and Robert for his upcoming biopic of wrestler Mick McManus, who will probably be played by cage dressing cross fighter Alex Reid, with Peter Andre as Jackie 'Mister TV' Pallo. It is anticipated that Pattinson will play the part of Kent Walton, the legendary wrestling commentator, and that Stewart will get her kit off in the role of upper class slapper Fiona Richmond.
Before he could expand on this, Buffty Ginslinger got his legs tangled up in a barstool and we had to call an ambulance and the fire brigade to get him free.
Afterwards he staggered off. Shocked to fuck.
More as I get it.