HOLLYWOOD - The producer of The Vampire Dairies Manolo Middlezuck has just revealed that he has signed both Tiger Woods and Jesse James to appear in an upcoming episode of the hit vampire show.
Middlezuck said that he did not want to give away too much of the story line but stated that Tiger Woods will be portraying Vachaspati Valdez, known as The Scourge of Upper Lowervania and Jesse James will be portraying Adolf Von Prixtenheimer, alias Count Wolfgang Lowensausage Metatron of The Ultra Vice.
Valdez and Von Prixtenheimer arrive in Mystic Falls under the pretense of looking for a setting for a low budget Ukrainian serio comedy documentary called "Vampires Suck."
Von Prixtenheimer gets into a scuffle with the vampire brothers Stefan and Damon Salvatore, played by Paul Wesley and Ian Somerhalder.
The count ends up biting Stefan on his Adam's apple and Damon on his uvula and both end up having to seek emergency room treatment at St. Dracula Hospital.
Meanwhile the evil-assed Valdez approaches Nina Dobrev's character Elena Gilbert at a local Jack-in-The-Box and asks if he can lick the ketchup off of her French fries.
Elena calls the manager over who ends up asking Elena to leave for causing a scene in his restaurant. Valdez asks for and is given a job application which he turns in after sucking down a 32-ounce strawberry shake in 17.3 seconds.
In other news. Sharon Stone has just signed on to star in Basic Instincts 7 - Yes, It's True The Old Yum Yum Bush Has Developed A Wrinkle Or 7.