Written by Cuff
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Monday, 12 April 2010

image for Dame Elizabeth Taylor's Ninth Wedding turns Deadly
Death from the hills!

Former Hollywood hottie, lifetime serial spouse, and president of the International Cougar Foundation Liz Taylor rolled to the altar once more high atop Mount Lee overlooking her glory days but what began as a simple sweet ceremony turned disastrous.

Tents were erected in Griffith Park and using the iconic sign as a backdrop the trouble began when guests wheeled in.

In addition to surviving ex husbands John Warner, Eddie Fischer, and Larry the electrician Mickey Rooney showed up and Liz swore it was Richard Burton

Burton is well known as the pivot man in the Taylor wedding baton relay and has been dead for years but Taylor refused to accept the fact and would not leave her tent.

When the groom to be, Jason Winters, pled for her to continue Liz went into a tirade and chased him with her motorized wheelchair. It wasn't until Jason showed her the diamond wedding ring that she calmed.

Using the rock as bait he lured her slowly to the altar and softly chanted 'dick' dick' dick' but when he took his place beside her she puzzled.

"What are you doing? I'm not marrying my doctor I'm marrying Jason Winters."

Winters responded with. "But I am Jason Winters."

Liz volleyed. "No you're not. Sir Jason Winters makes my favorite teas and he's British. You're Dr. Murray, Michael and I both use you. By the way where is Jacko?"

Rabbi Phillipe Jones of the Kabbalah Center for Deranged Former Stars came to the rescue and tightened Liz's red string then threatened to give her the evil eye if she didn't go through with the ceremony. However, during the chanting and before the nuptials were completed Mickey Rooney's oxygen tank ignited causing a horrific chain reaction and panic ensued with hair, tents, and paparazzi in flames scurrying in all directions.

In the melee the would be groom lost his grip on Liz's handle then tripped sending the twenty carat blood diamond over the cliff.

Disaster turned into catastrophe as Liz chased after the gem illustrating one more place you can go with the help of the Scooter Store.

Staying upright and headed for Mulholland highway a terrified Winters ran for his wife but lost her in the rush of frantic motorists causing one of the worse pileups in years.

The California Highway Patrol immediately issued a silver alert and stated Ms. Taylor was last seen racing down Rodeo Drive.

If anyone spots her please call 555-555-5555.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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