Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 12 April 2010

image for Kate Gosselin: The Reason I Am Such A Lousy Dancer Is Because of My Children
Kate owns five bras which she always wears in order no matter what she is wearing.

READING, Pennsylvania - Kate Gosselin, the mother on the now defunct Jon and Kate Plus 8 reality show, and the dancer (?) on the current Dancing With The Stars reality show has finally spoken out.

The 35-year-old blonde has stated publicly that the reason she is doing so horribly bad on the dancing show is simply because she does not have that much time to practice because she has to tend to the dozens of needs of her eight kids.

Kate pointed out that Tony Dovolani, her dance instructor, flies out to her hometown and she then picks him up at the airport and they return to her home.

Gosselin said that she has converted her basement into a dance rehearsal room. Tony said that he has never before danced in a rehearsal room where there were toy dolls and stuffed animals, and toy soldiers scattered all over the damn place.

Dovolani said that one day last week he tripped and fell after stepping on Barbie's red convertible sports car. The following day he said that he stepped on something that little Collin had spilled.

Tony said that he has no earthly idea what the hell it was that he stepped on other than to say that it smelled like a cross between spoiled creme style corn and squirrel shit.

Dovolani pointed out that most of the time Kate shows up to practice wearing curlers, flip flops, and a pink cotton robe with every kind of stain imaginable on it.

Kate says that her kids come first and Tony has to just understand that she has to make sure they do their homework, that they eat their dinner, that they all take their baths, and that they do not act up and bite each other like they have been doing ever since their father left.

Tony said that one day Kate showed up to rehearse and she had a spatula sticking out of her bra. He started laughing at her and Kate became extremely upset and started calling him names like dancing sissy, cha cha cha cream puff, and paso doble pansy.

Dovolani threw up his hands and started to walk towards the door to leave. He paused at the door. He turned to look at Kate. And said, "I now see first hand why Jon left you. You are nothing but a spoiled, bitter, frustrated, bitch. You are mad at the world because of your chunky calves, your jumbo-sized thighs, your flabby fanny, and your introverted uterus.

Kate fired back that her uterus used to be introverted but she had it surgically troverted last summer and it now looks quite pretty.

In related news. Jon Gosselin reportedly sent Tony a text message offering him his condolences on having to put up with "King Kate the Sarcastic Skank."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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