LONDON - The Scottish lass Susan Boyle has been on quite a tear lately. SuBo had just returned to Great Britain after a whirlwind tour of Japan in which she performed for over one million fans, most Japanese.
When Madam Boyle first arrived in Japan she became quite angry when told by the hotel desk clerk that she would not be allowed to take her cat into the room.
Boyle hollered at the clerk that Pebbles was housebroken and that she hadn't shit on the carpet in over two years. The clerk did not budge. SuBo yelled out for everyone in the lobby to hear that she would buy the effen hotel and fire the damn duffer desk clerk.
The desk clerk did not miss a beat as he told Boyle that the effen hotel was not for sale bitch.
Boyle asked him who he was calling a bitch and he replied that he was calling her a bitch, along with a whore, a skank, a slut, and a Blair lover.
SuBo exploded. She fired back that she may very well be a whore, a skank, and a slut, but nobody better freakin' call her a Blair lover.
She left the hotel lobby and went next door, where the desk clerk assured her that if she had a damn horse they would let it stay with her in her room.
Susan smiled and started singing her big hit "Wild Horses." The clerk joined in as did two maids, a busboy, a waiter, and Amy Winehouse who just happened to be sleeping in the lobby while her room was readied.
Just after her concert in Osaka, Boyle became very angry with her Team SuBo personal assistant, who happens to be her niece, 38-year-old Joanne Crawford (38-24-36).
Crawford told SuBo that she needed to cut back a little bit on her eating. She went on to say that lately she has been putting away the crumpets like they were M&M's.
Boyle told Joanne to kiss her big Scottish arse and instructed her to go next door and buy her two Big Macs.
During her trip to Tokyo, SuBo got into a shouting match with another Team SuBo member niece Kirsty Foy. It seems that Foy who is an attorney had told SuBo that she needed to make sure not to let any of her cleavage show.
SuBo asked why not. And Foy told her because there are some blemishes on her cleavage that kind of resemble the Great Lakes of America.
Boyle told Foy to kiss her 47-year-old Scottish gluteus maximus and to go out and get her a pepperoni pizza.
To see some never before seen photos of Susan Boyle's Scottish McRump log on to www.susanboyleupthewazoo.pix