Written by ej moore
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Topics: Hollywood, Brad Pitt

Tuesday, 18 January 2005

image for Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston split causes nickname nightmare
Pitt continues to shoulder his pain

HOLLYWOOD - A special meeting of members of the US and foreign press was held today in an effort to create a catchy news title for celebrity couple Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston.

"They're always referred to as 'Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston,'" said Mitzi Peppergraham of Rooters Celebrity News in the UK. "How boring! I am at a loss as to why myself and none of my colleagues have sought to spice up this obviously bland couple reference."

Now that the couple's future seems tenuous, the press decided it was imperative to put their collective imaginations to work and decide on a definitive title for the pair. At a lavishly catered press summit in Los Angeles, certain titles were immediately discarded for various reasons. They include:

Pittani - America press cited this as "too Italian"

Anipitt or Jennpitt - Foreign press dubbed this "too reminiscent of underarm deodorant"

Brapijenan - Agreed by all as "too middle eastern" and/or "far too Slavic"

Brajen - Considered for a awhile, then tossed because 1) the majority of journalists found it "as dull and boring as what we're already using," and 2) "sounds like a clearance item from Victoria's Secret."

Crybaby Ovalock - Dismissed by most as "too obtuse"

During the naming proceedings, several press members lamented loudly the fact that Aniston has an already overused first name, and attempting to use the ending "ennifer" of "ifer" would make the press look "like a bunch of uninspired Lopez copycats."

"We already appear uninspired to the majority of our readers," said Peppergraham. "If only Aniston's parents had chosen a more unique first name for her, that would make the couple's news title so much easier to formulate."

Numerous communiqu├ęs were messengered to Aniston during the press summit urging her to legally change her first name to Margaret, Elizabeth or Shanandra.

"Seriously, wouldn't Bradmar, Bradbeth or Branandra be just the catchiest news heading?" Pepperstein added.

After exhaustive discussion, press members returned to Think Tank mode, finally agreeing on a short list of three possibilities: Brannigate, Pijen or Selfish Fertile TV Brat & Childless Hunk. Although Chinese-sounding, the press felt they could utilize Pijen alongside bird-and-flight references, not to mention the obvious egg segues. For a time, a heavy contender was Pitt Twit Split.

When reached for comment, Pitt declared he didn't care what the press called him and his estranged spouse, declaring he was having a "Jolie good time with an angel of a girl." Aniston could not be reached for comment but her hairdresser confided that Aniston was, in fact, already pregnant by "friend" Jake Gyllenhaal.

"Turns out she's not such a good girl after all," he added.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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