Rumours surrounding a new Harry Potter book have been doing the rounds for some time. Today J. K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books announced that, due to overwhelming public requests (and a big fine) there will be a new chapter in Harry's life.
We spoke to Ms Rowling at her home at 4.37am this morning and received the following statement; "It's the middle of the night so fuck off!"
Having had time to reflect on this statement we decided to call a little later, at which time we were told "OK there will be a new book. I can't reveal too many details at the moment as I'll need to get stoned off my tits to come up with the basis of a storyline. Obviously the usual characters will be there and I'll introduce one or two more. Now fuck off and leave me alone."
Rumours have circulated for several months and. following this confirmation we spoke to Bellington St. John Smythe, world renowned literary authority at his residence in Broadmoor. "In my opinion we can expect to see Harry in a much more grown up light. His recent nude appearances on stage have shown him in a completely different light. If some of these rumours are to be believed there will be a strong physical relationship between Harry and one of the other cast members. I hope it's Ron cos I hate the little ginger twat! Furthermore the apparent 'lezzing up' between Hermoine and Professor McGonnigle will definitely be a wankfest for me!"
Cyril Fletcher, well known for his time on That's Life contacted us through a medium to give his thoughts. "The new characters will include a Gypsy named Pikey and a small brown hamster called Fudge who will be played by the hamster they dragged out of Richard Gere's cackpipe a few years ago. I think the main story will revolve around Harry surviving on Job Seeker's allowance. After all, he was the seeker in the Quiddich team and how many jobs do you see advertised where you need to be able to be able to put a spell on a monster and make it go away now that Jade Goody's popped her clogs?"
Bookmakers have opened betting on the new title with 3-1 favourite 'Harry Potter and the P45" marginally ahead of "Harry Potter and the Back, Sack and Crack".
More on this as I make it up!