LONDON - After weeks and weeks of rampant speculation as to whether or not pregnant X-Factor judge Dannii Minogue would return or not the question has been answered by none other than "The Sultan of Sarcasm" Simon Cowell.
Cowell stated that if he can be honest, he is not going to play games with Dannii's belly. He stated that he will not allow her to appear on X-Factor and run the risk of having her water break in the middle of a performance wreaking havoc with the contestants, the studio audience, and the production crew.
Simon was asked where is his compassion for a pregnant woman. He replied, "Hey I did not tell Dannii to get knocked up. She got knocked up all on her own. She is a big girl. Well at least in the age sense, cause height wise, she is only 5 foot 2."
Cowell went on to say that Cheryl Cole didn't go and get herself all belly swollen with a baby. Simon smiled and then said that he did not think that Louis Walsh is pregnant either, although he added, that he does look like he could be in his second month.
When Cowell was asked who he would be replacing Minogue with he immediately stated that it would be Melanie Janine Brown, aka Mel B. aka Scary Spice of the Spice Girls.
Simon said that he truly feels that Mel B. would be a perfect choice because she is basically the female Simon Cowell.
He went on to say that Mel B. has a raw attitude, a guttural voice, and a strong pronounced Leeds accent which adds to her mystique.
The "Viceroy of Venom" smiled and added that Mel B. also is the proud owner of a fantastic pair of award-winning tata's that every man in the United Kingdom will certainly enjoy gazing upon each week.
He laughed and then noted that even lesbians will tune in to get a gander at Mel B's bazongas.
Simon was asked about the fact that only last week he was considering Vanessa Perroncell to replace Dannii.
Simon smiled and said that Perroncell talked to him and she kind of priced herself right out of the job. Simon said that she really angered him with her outlandish salary request, plus she wanted a Bentley, a diamond bracelet, and a £1,000 [$1,520 U.S.] gift certificate to Victoria's Secret.
He told her that she must have snorted some French toast or something and added that he will see to it that she does not get any jobs in London or anywhere in the country for that matter.
Simon smiled. Took a puff on his cigarette and remarked, "By the time I get finished with 'Moneybags' Perroncell she will find herself walking the dirty streets of Paris and looking as haggard, cheap, and worn out as Lindsay "Tuna Lips" Lohan."
In other news. Queen Elizabeth II, is reportedly taking estimates on having the entire outside of Buckingham Palace painted.