Written by John Peurach
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Topics: Colin Powell

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

image for Colin Farrell: Go West, Jung Man!
COLIN FARRELL: Uncuffed, and for the moment unconsciously dangerous.

According to various inside sources, paid to forever remain so, perpetual pub-crawling party boy, Colin Farrell, has agreed in principle to an emergency last ditch offer from seat-of-the-pants husband & wife producing team, F. Buddy Rose and Ana Tonioni ("Cock & Bull"; "Citizen Insane"), to stumble in, slouch around accordingly, and immediately take over the recently abandoned lead roll in their latest big screen effort, "Young Dr. Jung".

The reason, it seems, for such a seemingly haphazard above-the-title cast adjustment, just prior to next week's still on scheduled start-up date, is due to the sudden, exit (stage left) departure of the film's previous leading man, muscle-bound, light-heavy thinker, Vin Diesel, who reportedly stormed out of an otherwise uneventful "Nurse Jackie" viewing party (recently held as a would-be fundraiser for a soon-to-be upcoming state wide initiative that supporters hope will eventually lead to the legalization of marijuana) at Brenda Vaccaro's mountainside retreat above Van Nuys, in, what one inarticulate witness at the scene claims to have been, "a minute and a huff", following a first-strike war of poorly chosen monosyllabic words directed at producers Rose and Tonioni, and their visibly distressed tag-a-long entourage, Pop art mainstay, Edward Ruscha, KTTV weather anchor, Maria Quiban, jolly stand-up comedian, Eddie Brill, and Buckeye reared 710 ESPN radio host/southland movie house mogul, Steve Mason.

Rumors of a possible "insurmountable impasse" brewing between Diesel and producers Rose and Tonioni were first brought to light in a flurry of startling, albeit abbreviated, February 2010 online reviews of a newly established Beverlywood/West LA area drive-thru mohel service center/dog grooming salon, co-owned by F.Buddy Rose and his half-brother, former prizefighter, Sid "The Kid" Schlomo-Gruber. Since then, an ever increasing series of sour puss accusations directed at one another has originated from both sides of the ongoing dispute. Thereby causing a hoped for satisfactory conclusion to this apparent business as unusual stand-off to quickly become ever so seriously in doubt.

As a result, a selection of pre-assigned members from the local Jewish community have been advised to avoid canvassing an assortment of streets and avenues within both the Fairfax and Beverlywood districts, or at least temporarily re-route their door to door efforts, when attempting to gather the necessary amount of required parties needed to successfully field a minyan, until it is duly established that this unpleasant matter has been resolved.

However, on Monday, March 29, in response to these continuing developments, just hours before the official evening start of this year's Passover observance, Duane Percybysshe Doberman, a spokesperson and weekend on-street sign holder responsible for directing traffic and occasional passersby to the limited Westside mini-mall parking area of Suit's On, a well known discount legal emporium, and current home base of operation for Rose and Tonioni's film production company, Merkin, Muffley, & Melville, Ltd. (ever since it was forced from it's downtown location last November due to a still suspicious fire at a neighboring garment manufacturing warehouse) confirmed, in a pre-written statement spelled out slowly to members of the local media casually gathered among numerous semi-interested lunchtime diners and shoppers earlier today at the, still more or less cozy, Original Farmer's Market, situated just west of LA's decidedly more supercalafragic-like attraction, The Grove, that the primary basis for the abrupt flair up causing Diesel's subsequent termination of his long planned for top-line duties as star of "Young Dr. Jung", stems from an unfortunate misunderstanding between the two disgruntled camps, that, quite by chance, was brought on by an inadvertent typo in the film's actual first draft screenplay.

As unknowingly forwarded to Diesel during the earliest stages of the film's development, as well as in all follow-up written communication thereafter, this persistent grammatical malfunction appears to have caused both Diesel, and any necessary members of his not-so-wide-awake creative team, to be under the mistaken impression that the title character of the film in question was to not only be named "Hung", but, for specifically natural reasons of a bragadocious nature, be suggestively described as being in both possession of, and appropriately equipped with, whatever was seemingly necessary for such an extended manner to at first, be believed, and, in the end, ultimately be allowed to exist within a mutually agreeable, and more importantly, comfortable distance, as well.

Consequently, neither Diesel, nor any of his attending representatives, were, as was believed to have been otherwise implied by the somewhat overabundant presence of so much collateral psychological storyline detail surrounding the film's title character, ever once in any sort of corresponding synchronicitous agreement that "Young Dr. Jung" was, as initially intended, nothing more than a carefully detailed and respectfully rendered cinematic treatment, based entirely on the speculated early life of noted Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung. Which, upon any sort of reasonably competent, quick-read, thumb-through review, should have easily been recognized by all concerned, especially considering the additional inclusion, and strong, definite, supportive involvement of a secondary character referred to as both "Siggy" and "Dr. Freud".

As has been reported, and repeatedly well documented in the past, the strange-but-true, immediate family project journey of "Young Dr. Jung" began surprisingly enough several years ago as a would-be, highly ambitious middle school honors project hatched by budding first time screenwriter, Caitlin Tonioni-Rose, the now 19-year-old daughter of producers Rose & Tonioni, during frequent bouts of self-imposed down time, which apparently came about in response to her being systematically overworked as a summertime counselor/creative sing-a-long consultant at Temple Israel of Hollywood's highly regarded Camp Simca.

Quickly and conveniently shaped into an original screenplay by young Caitlin, with an, as yet, undetermined amount of mentor-mandated assistance from well traveled film industry executive, Nina Jacobson, plus, some extra-added quick wit from Emmy-Award winning writer, Eddie Gorodetsky ("Late Night with David Letterman"), at present, one of the many Co-Executive Producers currently attached hip-wise to highly rated CBS primetime double punch, "Two and a Half Men" and "The Big Bang Theory", "Young Dr. Jung", was eventually optioned and purchased for production by Caitlin's profoundly proud parents as a sort of extravagant as all get out graduation gift to her for making it through LA's prestigious Marlborough School, and subsequently being accepted to Brown University in Providence, Rhode Island, where, for the moment anyway, she is presently enrolled as a freshman majoring in Advanced Undecided, with a minor in Specifically Unrelated Studies of a Fill-In-The-Blank Kind.

According to those familiar with both Caitlin's initial first draft "Young Dr. Jung" screenplay, as well as what it eventually evolved into following a series of reasonably exhaustive re-writes (excluding any slow and/or non-readers still associated with Mr. Diesel, and, of course, those WGA members still in the process of conducting a review of the, as yet, not fully determined, cloudy authorship entanglements surrounding the final, officially purchased, script of "Young Dr. Jung"), the proposed film intends to shed some new and improved light on the legendary Swiss psychiatrist by showing us his reckless years when he and fellow wiseacre shrinkaholic, Sigmund Freud, each found themselves both vying for the enticing semi-conscious attentions of a runaway African princess, who, quite naturally, put a severe crack in the quaint introverted mask of their would-be European dignity, once she discovered a non-traditional way to loosen up the snug little latches of their well-pressed collective trousers.

Scheduled to join the signed, sealed, and partially delivered, Colin Farrell, once the remainder of his so far slow moving Rosarito Beach (Baja, California, Mexico) police paperwork is finally completed, are Albert Brooks as Sigmund Freud and Thandie Newton as the fleet-footed, eye-catching, thirty-second daughter of a turn-of-the-19th century West African royal family. Expected to round out what appears to be a stalwart supporting cast are Jeff Goldblum, Irene Papas, Lewis Black, Seymour Cassel, Harriet Andersson, Ice-T, Bruce Dern, Catherine Keener, and hot wire cool cat, Dane Cook, as longstanding Jung pen pal, famed German novelist, Thomas Mann.

Perennial indi-film guru/coffeehouse favorite, Jim Jarmusch, is, as of now, still on board to direct "Young Dr. Jung", with MGM and UA teamed up to handle the release domestically, while Sony-Serbia and Snidewinder Dimension 2000 have agreed to do what they can to secure any international interest. At this point, any collective unconscious tent pole hopes for a proposed extremely wide 2011 summer release, hinge on a variety of unresolved factors that remain, for now, up in the air, and, no doubt, still in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnalls porch since noon today.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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