LONDON - Simon Cowell has announced that he has nothing against pregnant women, but he does have something against a pregnant woman who just happens to be a judge on his highly successful TV reality show X-Factor.
Cowell, who is engaged to former Afghani freedom fighter Mezhgan Hussainy, even though you would not really know it the way that he flirts, fiddles, and fipplefooks with fellow American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi, is facing quite a dilemma.
The founder and CEO of 19th Hole Productions knows that the 'getting fatter everyday' Dannii Minogue will be having her baby in July right in the middle of the X-Factor competition.
Cowell knows that Dannii will not be able to put up with the stress that being a judge on the show entails. He quickly added that for instance Louis Walsh can be quite a sarcastic piece of Koala rubbish and he has been known to actually hit and kick his fellow judges Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue when they have called him names such as Aussie arse, Australian sissy, and down under piece of kangaroo shit.
X-Factor host Dermot O'Leary was asked what he thought about Dannii Minogue being replaced. He grinned and said, "Well mate, lemy see. Dannii is 'xpectin' intshe? And 'er stoomick will be poochin out like a big gob of industrial butter whoanit? And crikeys she did make sum smart arse gay remock 'bout Danyl Johnson last year dinshe?"
O'Leary was told to shut his fookin' mouth and try and see if maybe this year he can start wearing deodorant unlike last year when he didn't and as a result he managed to stink up the entire bloomin' X-Factor stage.
The shows producer Agustus Whittingstall said that his main concern is having Dannii's water break during the shows telecast and having some contestant slip on the baby water and then turning around and hiring a barrister (attorney) and filing a lawsuit against the X-Factor for injuries, trauma, and embarrassment.
Whittingstall said that he has suggested to Cowell that he hire Vanessa Perroncel to replace Minogue. He smiled and said that there are four different and blimey damn good reasons for hiring the biatch.
One is Perroncel's left tit, two is Perroncel's right tit, three is Perroncel's badonkadonk, and four is Perroncel's French fillet o' fish.
Simon reverted to his British accent and said, "Look, Augie, if I may be hunest...I fookin agree wiff ya crazy Birmingham butt remarks ya blitherin' bloke of a Brit bastid."
To see some amazingly graphic photographs of Vanessa Perroncel log on to www.wowphotosofvanessaperroncel.sex