Written by Erskin Quint

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Friday, 26 March 2010

image for Tim Burton's New Movie Stars Johnny Depp
Some "Hunny" Yesterday

Tim Burton's new 3-D(isney) version of Winnie-The-Pooh starring Johnny Depp, Johnny Depp, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Johnny Depp, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Johnny Depp and Johnny Depp, stars Johnny Depp as Johnny Depp in a gothic Tigger suit.

The movie, due for an early 2011 theatre release, has already gone out on Disney D V Disney D V Disney D. Rumours that Disney would be releasing a 3-D V Disney D V 3-Disney V D have thus been proved wrong, unlike speculation that the rumours were a 3-Disney D PR stunt.

Winnie-the-Pooh is the first version of the famous childrens story to appear in 3-Disney D. Movie-goers will "really feel that they are in Hundred Acre Wood, being bounced into the river by Tigger in a gothic Johnny Depp suit and being moaned at by Eeyore", said a 3-Disney D spokescartoon yesterday.

Burton's vision is typically dark here. The plot involves an adult Christopher Robin, played by Ewan McGregor as a recovering heroin addict, trying to get his life back on track and reliving, as part of his therapy, the childhood world from which he has never properly emerged.

Christopher Robin journeys back to a dark, gothic Hundred Acre Wood to find the secret of his inner torment.

All the familiar characters appear, and each has a role to play in Christopher Robin's journey to self-knowledge.

At the end, Christopher Robin awakens, to find that he is Tim Burton, at home in bed with his lover Helena Bonham Carter and his favourite old threadbare stuffed Johnny Depp toy. He determines to make a movie about the dream he has had, and the whole thing starts again.

This will be the longest movie ever made, as it lasts an infinite amount of time. Theatre audiences are advised to eat before they leave home, as cinemas will only have "the fruits of Tim Burton's ego" on offer once they are seated.

Burton and 3-Disney D have great hopes for the new movie, which stars Johnny Depp, Johnny Depp, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Johnny Depp, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Johnny Depp, Johnny Depp, and main star Johnny Depp as Johnny Depp in a gothic Tigger suit.

Apart from main star Johnny Depp, who plays Johnny Depp in a gothic Tigger suit, and Helena Bonham Carter as Kanga, the film also features McGregor as Christopher Robin, Paul Whitehouse as Kanga's Roo, Joey, Timothy Spall as Timothy Spall as Winnie-the-Pooh, Richard E Grant as Richard E Grant as a Victorian "Owl of Letters" who is addicted to opium and modelled on Thomas de Quincey, Stephen Fry as Stephen Fry as a very clever Rabbit, Matt Lucas and David Walliams as Matt Lucas and David Walliams as Early and Late, and David Alan Andy Hockney Warhol Bennett as an Albino Gay Yorkshireman Eeyore who is obsessed with painting rows and rows of "Hunny" Jars.

Johnny Depp stars as Johnny Depp, in what he has himself described as "nothing much really. It's just my job, being me for Tim. Tim's great at being Tim for me too."

Press Cuttings:

"Disney does it again!" - The Modern Nun
"Johnny Depp IS Johnny Depp!" - Capybara Breeders Quarterly
"Pooh! What a Stinker!" - The Sun
"The best Tigger since Edmund Kean" - The Bewildered Thespian
"Tickets, Tim? Book Two - Tim's Bucks Too!" - A-Pun My Word: The Journal of the Timbuctu Punners Society
"No Mention of Quince Jam!" - Khartoum Chronicle and Argus
"A Film for our Times" - Journal of Tribology

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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