Written by Morgan Truce
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Friday, 2 December 2005

image for Paris Hilton's Naughty Christmas Card List
Christmas cards for all my naughty friends...

LOS ANGELES (AP) Paris Hilton sent out hundreds of Christmas cards this year to her ‘special friends'. The list mysteriously made it to the desk of one of Hollywood's most notorious gossip columnists---a close associate of one of our reporters. One can only imagine what some of these people had to do to get on Paris Hilton's Christmas card list:


Steve Buscemi
Yosemite Sam
Mel Gibson
Hook and Ladder Company #8
Al Bundy
Ted Bundy
Mr. Burns
Tony Blair
The "E" Street Band
Rin Tin Tin
Tiger Woods
William Bennet
R. Crumb
Andre the Giant
Andrew Card
the Royal Navy
Michael Jordan
Ed Begley (Jr. and Sr.)
Rasputin
Gary Bauer
Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal
Kobe Bryant
Brad Pitt
Louis L'Amour
David Beckham
Prince Charles
the Coen brothers
Cheech (and Chong)
Keith Richards
Howard Stern
Trent Lott
Hught Grant
Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
Groundskeeper Willie
Donald Trump
Pat Buchannan
Frank Nitti
Jimmy Swaggart
Steve Martin
Wilt Chamberlain
The Christian Coalition
Dan Rather
Vlad the Impaler
Donald Rumsfeld
Josef Mengele
Sponge Bob Squarepants
John Travolta
The New York Yankees
Mickey Mouse
Christopher Hitchens
Colonel Sanders
Huey and Louie
Rush Limbaugh
Barry Bonds
Groucho and Harpo (but not Zeppo)
Andy Sipowicz
Oscar Mayer
Hunter S. Thompson
Don Corleone
Hugh Hefner
Simon AND Garfunkel
William Hung
Bob Novak
Pepe' LaPew
Wolfgang Puck
The Rock
Jay Leno
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Derek Jeter
the Three Stooges
Bill O'Reilly
Don Knotts
Speedy Gonzales
John Madden
Pluto
George W. Bush (and Barney)
Scott Peterson
Jerry Falwell
Bill Gates
Bill Maher
Bill Clinton
Bill me later
Jim Walton
Rev. Al Sharpton
Cell Block ‘C' at Rahway State Prison
Ray Romano
Elmo
Archduke Ferdinand
Rudi Giuliani
Cool Hand Luke
Hulk Hogan
Mr. Natural
Kelsey Grammer
Siegfried AND Roy
John Dillinger
Liberace
Ned Flanders
Kramer
Walt Whitman
that guy on the Zig Zag papers
Milton Berle
Apu
Professor Art Nouveau
Hillary Clinton
the Kurds
John Holmes
Popeye the Sailor
that little gecko from GEICO
Al Franken
Rev. Robert Schuller
Felix the Cat
the Royal Regiment of Fusiliers
The Harlem Boy's Choir
Jumbo the Elephant
Michael Dell
Mr. Ed
Saddam Hussein
Mr. Bumstead
Larry King
Pee Wee Herman
Hook and Ladder Company #3
Woody Allen (received THREE cards...)
Dick Clark
Arnold Swartzenegger (but not Maria)
...and (finally)... Big Bird

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Spoof reporter Morgan Truce was able to track down several of the people for their reaction to having been included on Paris Hilton's Christmas card list:


Jay Leno: " Paris Hilton was one of my orignal Jay Walkers. Not too bright...She knows her way around the back seat of some old cars."

Howard Stern: " Paris Hilton? Hey, let me tell you what I'd do to her if I got the chance. First…"

Bill Clinton: "Really? I never had sex with Paris Hilton… but if you'd be good enough to leave me her phone number, I'd appreciate it. (wink, wink) Here, write it down on the inside of this cigar band"

Donald Trump: "I fired her… so I don't know why she's sending me Christmas cards. She really is a very sweet young lady, but has no business sense… and she has a lot of money. She needs to buy some real estate."

Larry King: "Paris who? I went to Paris once."

Hillary Clinton: "I just don't understand why I'm the only woman on her list. Is this some kind of joke? I don't even watch her show, but she is kind of attractive... to men... I think.

Saddam Hussein: "I am still the ruler of Iraq!"

Jimmy Swaggart: "I pray for Paris Hilton... often!"

Rev. Robert Schuller: "Yes, she is in my nightly prayers as well."

William Hung: "I wrote a song about Paris Hilton… want me to sing it for you?"

---

No thank you Mr. Hung.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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