LOS ANGELES - Mr. Sandra Bullock, aka Jesse James, was asked if the alleged allegations that he was comparing intimate tattoos with an ex-Amish stripper named Michelle "The Bombshell" McGee were true.
Jesse shook his head and asked, "The bitch is Amish?" When told that she was he replied, "Hell I thought Amish folks ain't supposed to use deodorant, condiments, perfume, and IUDs."
When told that she must be a member of one of those Ohio Unorthodoxical Amish splinter groups he replied that she certainly must be because she knew all about things of a sexual nature like erections, Brazilian wax jobs, furburgers, glow-in-the-dark condoms, G-spots, and Carmen Electra playpen jokes.
Jesse, who is on the board of directors of The Jesse James Bank and Trust in Austin, Texas said that there is no proof of him ever taking his crotch appliance (wiener) and sticking it in Michelle
McGee's bearded clam (nookiemeister).
He then offered that he is surprised that no one knows the real reason why he and his wife are going through a little marital discord at the moment.
When asked to explain, he smiled, took a drink from his Lone Star and replied, "Isn't it funny how everyone thought that it was so damn cute when my sweet little actress wife, whom I call Sandy for short, grabbed and kissed Meryl Streep right on the mouth in front of 130 million television viewers world wide.
No one knows that for the next week, I got calls from my friends, relatives, neighbors, and ex-girlfriends asking me 'Yo Jess. Hey what's up with your woman sucking on another woman's lips? Dammit dude ain't your lips lip enough for dandy Sandy or what?'"
Jesse, who was visually upset said that he had never been more embarrassed in his entire life, well except for maybe that one time down in Laredo, back in 1999, when he says he went into a tattoo shop to get a tattoo of the Lone Star state flag on his pecker and he came to find out that he was not in a tattoo parlor but in a dentist office instead."
Jesse was asked what he thinks is going to happen regarding his marriage. He shakes his head and says that he is so upset right now that he thinks he'll just call up "The Bombshell" and get his mind off of everything by talking about her non-intimate tattoos.
In sports news. Mike Tyson has just released his autobiography. It is entitled "Yo, Is My IQ Really Be 27, Or Is Da IQ Testin' Man Just Be Effen Wiff Me Cause I Be's A Blackican-American, Huh?"