Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: American Idol

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

image for American Idol: Michael "Big Mike" Lynche Is Bigger, Better, and Not As Sweaty As Ruben Studdard
"Big Mike" Lynche shown with his biological sister LaQuanda, when he was three months old.

HOLLYWOOD - Florida native Michael Lynche is probably the strongest singing contestant to ever appear on American Idol. And by strong, I do not mean voice wise, I mean strength wise.

In a commercial for American Idol, Lynche is shown lifting up Crystal Bowersox, Siobhan Magness, and Lacey Brown all at the same time.

In a follow up commercial he again lifted up the three girls plus Andrew Garcia as well.

Andrew has the distinction of being this year's Danny Gokey, in regards to his singing not getting any better. Garcia actually peaked during Hollywood week. He has already been in the 'bottom two' twice.

Michael Lynche continues to improve. His only problem is that he has got to stop hugging and squeezing the heck out of Ryan Seacrest. Ryan probably weighs about 125, and when "Mr. Muscle Man" Lynche picks him up and squeezes you can almost hear Seacrest yelling out, "Put me down dude, put me effen down now."

Lynche at this point in the competition is way ahead of where the second season winner Ruben Studdard was. Of course there is no way that Studdard should have beaten the second place finisher Clay Aiken. The only reason that Studdard won was because his mama voted for him over 3,000 times.

And all of his family back in Alabama voted for him a combined total of 389,672 times. Meanwhile Clay's mom voted for her son once, like most normal, honest Americans do.

And that family goin' crazy voting frenzy is also the reason why Kris Allen, let me repeat his name, Kris Allen, won out over Adam Lambert last year. Again there is no way that "Arkansas Allen" should have beaten the quadrupled octave singing Adam Lambert.

Like most music critics state, Adam Lambert is such a powerful singer that he can hit notes that do not even exist.

Some have said that the reason that Lynche is doing so well is because none of the judges want to get him angry, upset, or pissed off. Randy "Listen Check It Out Dude" Jackson said that "Big Mike" has more muscles in his right hand than he has in his entire body.

This week was Rolling Stones Week and Lynche chose to sing the Mick Jagger-Keith Richards song "Miss You." He did not learn until he had learned the song that it was not about Mississippi University as he had falsely thought.

Ellen added that Lynche is a whole lot bigger, better, and not as sweatier as Ruben "The Velvet Teddy Bear" was. Kara said that two weeks ago Lynche got so angry at Simon Cowell that he cornered him backstage and literally scared the pee out of the self-named "British Bulldog."

Although Kara said that at that particular point in time Simon was more of a "English Yorkshire Terrier" with a pink ribbon in his hair.

Coming in tomorrow's column. Lindsay Lohan will reveal for the very first time which of her 1,318 freckles is her most favorite.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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