American Idol's Simon Cowell told spoof reporters that he's "Had quite enough" of Ellen Degeneres.
"She keeps fondling me under the table," he said. "It might have been quite stimulating if it had been Paula doing that, but you see Ellen is a totally disgusting man-looking dyke, so it's rather emasculating."
DeGenerate, denying the rumors that she's a woman, also denies fondling Cowell, but followed this up with several under-her-breath remarks of "he's my beeyotch" and "I'm gonna be all up in this mofo."
These cryptical statements have yet to be translated or, for that matter, be given two shits about.
"At least Piers gets to give Sharon Osbourne the occasional test drive," Cowell said. This was followed by an awkward silence punctuated by Cowell's desperate cry of "What in God's name did I just say???"
Cowell, who is leaving Idol at the end of the current season, has hinted that he might pull the plug on the proposed spin-off, slated for this summer and called "America's Got Lesbians". He then hinted that he might pull the plug "on all of it" and go start a goat farm.
"Everybody's got a dream," said Idol Co-Star Randy Jackson, "My man Simon's dream has always been that goat farm."
Several goats were contacted but were unavailable for comment.