HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Speaking from her kitchen in her spacious mansion in the Hollywood Hills, Kirstie Alley stated that she is going to do something about her tremendous weight.
The 409 pound Alley stated that she realized she had to do something when last Tuesday, she hopped up on her bedroom scale and all of a sudden screws, nuts, bolts, and numbers flew in every direction.
Kirstie blushed as she pointed out that the scale's red needle actually fired out and became embedded on her lower left labia majora.
She said that luckily for her, her maid Tiddly Sue was making a four-layer Italian cream cake in the downstairs kitchen and she was able to hear Kirstie's screams for help.
Tiddly Sue said that she reached into the pantry and grabbed the shotgun and ran up the stairs where she found Kirstie laying on the plush imported Colombian carpet.
Tiddly Sue said that Miss Kirstie had her dress pulled up around her overly abundant size DDD butterbags and was mumbling something that sounded like "Tid, reach down around my mother effen hoo-ha and find whatever the hell it is that has become embedded on my crotch carp and pull whatever the eff it is out of my effen horse collar as quick as humanly effen possible!"
Just as Tiddly Sue was on her knees, between Kirstie's knees, Alley's ex-boyfriend Bippity Tagliamento just happened to walk in. He saw Tiddly Sue with her head as close to Kirstie's pink palace as possible without actually making an entrance.
"Dammit!" He shouted. "Kirstie I came over here to apologize for saying that you looked like Moby Dick's big sister, and tell you that I wanted to ask you to once again be my girlfriend, but then I see you and Tiddly carrying on like Kara DioGuardi and Simon Cowell and now I don't know. I just don't friggin know."
"Oh shut up Bip." Kirstie yelled out. "Tiddly and I aren't lesbians. She has a husband, and I have an ex-boyfriend, you, so don't even think for one second that we're doin' an Ellen DeGeneres-Portia De Rossi thing here."
Bip got a puzzled look on his face and asked why Tiddly was smiling from ear-to-ear and looking like she was enjoying what was going on.
"And by the way." Bip asked. "What da hell is goin' on?"
Kirstie said that her weight scale had exploded and the red number needle had gotten stuck in her pretty little yeast mill (for want of a better word).
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Bippity and Kirstie had dated for a year up until Bippity broke up with her because every time that he took her out to eat he had to go to the ATM machine and withdraw $500.]
Bip leaned over Tiddly and got a good 'front row' look at Kirstie as she laid there naked as a jaybird, or to be more correct lets make it naked as an ostrich with a gland problem.
As he looked at her love harbor, he asked "Hey Kirs, who the hell is Tony?"
"What?" She asked.
"You have a tattoo that I have never seen before located on your bikini line that says 'Tony - 1/13/10.'"
"Oh, that. Ah I got that tattoo in honor of my grocer Tony Ragaletti, who would bring over canned goods, pasta, cakes, and Butterball turkeys whenever I would call him up in the middle of the night because I had developed a sudden craving."
Kirstie then told Bippity that she had decided to go on a diet. She said that she wanted to lose 200 pounds and get down to what she weighed in the ninth grade, 209.
Bippity said that he was proud of her and he immediately went downstairs to the kitchen and threw out three Butterball turkeys, the four-layered Italian cream cake, and 80 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies.
In other news. Senator John Edwards was supposed to have appeared in this season's edition of Dancing With The Stars, but the shows producer Bernadette Penderlicki decided against it for fear that Edwards would fall in love with DWTS judge Carrie Ann Inaba and want to father her baby.