LONDON - Cheryl Cole has hired one of the best divorce attorneys in the United Kingdom to represent her in her divorce against her husband Ashley "I Just Can't Seem Ta Keep Me Wiggle Worm In Me Pants" Cole.
Reginald Nigel Liddyford, of Upper Tooting, has amassed a won-loss record of 738-1. The only divorce case he lost was when he represented the wife of Saudi Prince Mustafin Shimbola, the lovely, beautiful, and missing Vandorina.
Vandorina who wanted half of Prince Shimbola's amazing wealth of $80 billion suddenly, unexpectedly, and oddly simply disappeared right in the middle of the divorce proceedings.
The judge presiding over the divorce case, Allah Shimbola (no relation to the prince) gave Vandorina 24 hours to appear or end up ending up with nothing in terms of a monetary settlement. The 24 hours came and went and Vandorina failed to appear.
Surprisingly a bodyguard of Prince Shimbola reported seeing Vandorina swimming by herself in an isolated beach on the Red Sea near the town of Yanbu Al Bahr, a town noted world-wide for its fabulous charbroiled camel hump sandwiches.
The unidentified bodyguard stated under oath that he observed Vandorina with an inner tube around her body like the kids use when they go tubing.
He said that he watched her as she swam out to the sea. After she had swam out a distance of half a mile, he lost sight of her and returned to his car to report to his boss, the prince.
Cheryl Cole says that she wants the divorce to go through quick. She smiled and said that she wants it to go quicker than Ashley can say "I got meself effed."
The lusciously short Mrs. Cole said that their Surrey Mansion will be sold and the money will be divided evenly. She added that the cheating SOB aka Ashley can keep their North London Flat, their mansion in Dubai, and their yacht The Cherish, which Cheryl has since nicknamed Ashley's Ship of Shameless Strumpets. She said that she wants Coco and Buster, her pet Chihuahuas.
She grinned and said that Ashley can keep their cat Pussywillow. She said that she has promised to give her pet horse Skippy to her longtime friend and X-Factor boss Simon Cowell.
When Cheryl was asked if there was anything else that Ashley could have. She paused for a moment, smiled, and said, "Yes, there is one more thing. The cheatin' Tiger Woods idolizing black bloke can have that horrid-looking skank Amy Winehouse. The two cheatin' ho's certainly deserve each other."
In other news. Sir Paul McCartney has decided not to buy Windsor Castle after all. Macca said that it would have cost way to much to have it remodeled, painted, and have air conditioning put in.