Susan Boyle fanatics were last night confused as usual when it was announced SuBo is to join the cast of Coronation Street. She is set to appear as the new Rovers Return barmaid after viewers see Corrie stalwart Betty explode of old age next month.
Speaking from her Scottish home, SuBo enthused "I've always liked Corrie, so this will be a dream come true! And I won't have to wear a red scarf, or pretend to like a load of annoying bloody fanatics!"
It is also rumoured that SuBo's cat Pebbles (or PeBo as fanatics insist) may also join her famous owner by becoming the new cat in the opening titles.
"I don't get it?" moaned some typical fanatic. "Is this Coronation Street the same as a regular street? Does this mean she's moving from Scotland to a new street? I'm really confused. Now, explain this 'alphabet' thing to me again."
"Oh yes, I'm a lifelong fan of Cobblelation Street," beamed some American fanatic. "It's just like 'Monarch of the Glen' I think. I've seen that 500 times now, and I still believe it's a realistic view of life in Scotland!"
Chief fanatics were throwing their usual tantrums. "We will be bullying ITV to let us appear in an episode with her. If we're not allowed, then we'll have to start thinking about closing our alleged fansite. Just like we did last week, and the week before that."
An entirely fictional spokesperson for ITV didn't say "We were thinking about having a competition to decide on her character's name, but we received 10,000 emails from one guy in Canada offering to show his 'dangly bits' so we gave up on that idea."