PETERHEAD, Scotland, UK - The entertainment world is still aghast in the wake of today's bombshell from singer Susan Boyle. Apparently, Boyle has told reporters that she is a virgin.
Boyle, the Scottish singing sensation, called a press conference this morning to confirm before the entire world that she has "never been married, never been kissed." The room echoed with startled cries of, "No!" and "You can't be serious, a smokin' hotty like you?"
Spoof Reporter Ray "I Can't See A Goddamn Thing Because I'm Blind" Eyespokedout, was heard to remark, "You could hae knocked me over with a feather! I mean, with a voice like that she has GOT to be a total fox! Right, guys? . . . guys? . . . where are you?"
"I'm just as shocked as the rest of the world," said Boyle's press agent, Terry Blinkard. "I mean, look at her! For Scotland, she's a regular Aphrodite! Seriously! Have you seen some of the women we have in Angus alone? Those wenches are so ugly they make your teeth hurt!"
According to a recent survey conducted by "Things Nobody Cares About" Magazine, a certain number of men suffering from blindness, brain damage, and acute alcoholism find Susan's facial type, with its striking resemblance to Julia Child, quite appealing. These men are also attracted to bodies shaped like sacks of rotten barley flour.
"The basic assumption is, with a voice like that, you know she's got one heck of a mouth and throat," said magazine editor Clive Crumbly, Britain's "Nudge Nudge" award winner for 2009. "I mean, throw a bag oer her head and toss back a few pints and you've got yourself one hell of a closing time date!"
Boyle's shocking revelation will no doubt result in an early arrival of the Apocalypse and has already sent her telephone ringing off the hook with propositions from men who no longer care about their sex life.