Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 4 March 2010

image for American Idol: If Kara DioGuardi Sits Any Closer To Simon Cowell She'll Be Sitting On His Lap!
A recent photo of Kara DioGuardi showing her shaving her legs before leaving her house to go to the American Idol Studios.

HOLLYWOOD - The ten remaining girls performed on American Idol. And as Ryan Seacrest talked to the judges, it was fairly obvious that Kara DioGuardi cannot seem to keep from touching Simon Cowell's hands, arms, shoulders, and during the commercials his British Blunderbuss (pecker).

DioGuardi who is 39, seems to be reverting back to her early teens when she was known as "Hormone Kara" because of the fact that from the age of 16 to 18, her knees hardly touched each other at all.

During her senior year at high school Kara was voted Girl Who Has Never Said No To Any Guy. DioGuardi was also chosen as The Girl Most Likely To Get Pregnant During The Homecoming Dance.

Seacrest even made mention of the fact that Kara was sitting much closer to Simon than she was to her other fellow judge Ellen DeGeneres.

Ellen smiled and told Ryan that the reason is because Kara knows that She (Ellen) is one married, and two gay.

Kara told Ryan that she was unaware that she was sitting that much closer to Simon than she was to Ellen. Seacrest had the show's director Bernie Sinclair play an instant replay and the video definitely showed Kara sitting extremely close to Cowell.

In fact, having watched the show, I swear that if Kara had been sitting any closer to Simon she would have been on his lap.

Randy "The Dawg" Jackson said that he wondered what Simon's brand new fiancee Mezhan Hussainy, who just happens to be a former Afghanistani freedom fighter would say about Kara's overly friendly touchy-touchy, feely-feely, and grabby-grabby carrying on.

Simon did say that upon getting a better look and feel of DioGuardi's thighs he can say without doubt, concern, or reservation that Kara's thighs are in fact much firmer, prettier, and sexier than Paula Abdul's were.

Ellen stood up, walked over to Simon, lifted her dress up to her belly button and asked, "Hey simple Simon the thighman, tell me and America what do you think of my thighs?"

Cowell looked at Ellen's super white thighs and said that she certainly needs to get a little more sun. He then told her that her thighs aren't bad for a manly lesbian.

Ryan chimed in and said that Ellen's thighs aren't bad for a guy. The "Dawg" started barking and saying that speaking of lesbians he had heard that next weeks song theme will be songs performed by lesbians and gays.

Seacrest pointed out that next week, the guys and gals will in fact be singing songs by such openly gay performers such as Elton John, Clay Aiken, Melissa Etheridge, George Michaels, Dusty Springfield, Lance Bass, K.D. Lang, and Adam Lambert.

SIDENOTE: Bernie Sinclair pointed out that he had received a phone call from Kara's husband telling him that he better control Mr. Cowell because if Cowell keeps flirting with his wife he will attend the next show and have a talk with Cowell himself, and it won't be pretty.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The way I see it, Kara is flirting with Simon and touching him all over his English body in order to make her cowboy toy, Casey James jealous. Reportedly Kara did not like the fact that the Fort Worth cowpoke told Seacrest that he is flattered to have the attention of such a fine looking cougar such as Kara. DioGuardi hates the word cougar almost as much as she hates the words ho, tart, and skank.]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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