Written by Hartley
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Saturday, 27 February 2010

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Shamed Ashley Cole, philandering husband of nation's sweetheart Cheryl Cole, has broken his silence regarding the high profile break-up.

An unofficial statement released by a tramp this morning states, "My wife's always dancing, which isn't in itself a bad thing, but it means I get no loving, and for once this is not a lie."

Ashley describes a night he and his wife spent in San Francisco recently where the couple visited a large number of clubs because she could not stop dancing. He knew then his marriage was over.

The statement continues, "I considered blaming this all on sunshine, moonlight and good times, but in the end the only thing to blame for the breakdown of my marriage is the boogie. The boogie is like a bug, or a drug even, the rhythm gets you on your feet and it can take over your life. It's exhausting and Cheryl gives me evil looks if I stop dancing on a night out. I just couldn't take any more of it, I couldn't control my own feet and that's not good for a footballer."

Cheryl Cole is yet to respond as she is keeping a dignified silence over the split, but Ashley's reliable and trustworthy pal John Terry has backed up Ashley's statement. In an interview about the forthcoming World Cup finals Terry said, "When Cheryl hears music it's like magic to her and she can't stop grooving. The dirty rhythm moves her like she's got the devil inside. It's kind of a funky fever and a fire burns inside her. Music gets her in a super-trance."

Terry concluded. "Cheryl, blame it on yourself sunshine. Ain't nobody's fault but yours and that funky funky boogie you keep doing all night long."

Girls Aloud were unavailable for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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