Written by Earl Grey
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Friday, 26 February 2010

image for Susan Boyle To Star As Ivana Phuque In New Musical
It was going to take a shit load of make up

A new musical about the legendary Swedish speed skater Ivana Phuque will star Susan Boyle. The Scottish songstress is to undergo intensive make up in a bid to make her appear more like the blonde bombshell. However, make up artist Danny Cockgobblin said "I'm only human, sweetheart."

The musical is a collaboration between Andrew Lloyd-Webber and Jimmy Hill. It is the first time Hill has ever provided lyrics for a West End musical and he is understandably nervous. "I shit myself when Andrew first told me. Luckily I could pass it off as incontinence at my age."

For Lloyd-Webber the chance to work with the former Fulham footballer and soccer pundit was a dream come true. "I've always thought that the way Jimmy speaks is poetic. I remember his half time analysis from the 1978 Cup Final. Magical!"

The part is certainly challenging for Susan Boyle. Ivana Phuque is a heroine in Sweden and has an army of adoring male fans. Her world record for the 2000 meters is unlikely ever to be beaten and her seven Olympic gold medals are a testament to her professionalism and dedication.

Susan Boyle is yet to learn to skate and her nervous first steps on the ice are sure to draw the world's media. However, she has overcome nerves before and she will give the part her best shot.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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