London - (Post-Impressionist Mess): Britain's national treasure and renowned living artist Lucian Fraud (sic) has said gangland mobsters the Kray Twins hounded him for money.
"Each time I went for a dump they thought I must be shitting gold bricks," the 87 year-old told reporters this week.
"They knew I was hopelessly addicted to five card stud, roulette, blackjack, fifty quid each-way on three legged no-hopers at Aintree, fruit machines, one arm bandits..." the old portraiture fraudster explained.
"And they just kept shoving money up my arse, 15% interest per week, take or leave it Lucy-Boyo.
"Of course, I took it."
The grandson of famous coke addict and psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud blamed the Royal Family's chumminess with the Kray mobsters for most unsolved organised crimes of the 20th century.
"Princess Margaret's crack habit very nearly ruined the gravy train for the others," Freud added.
"As for her bastard son from a sordid one night stand with Ronald Reagan....well, he's done very well for himself as Lord Browne, ex-BP CEO.