Written by Bryan McManus
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Thursday, 25 February 2010

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Bosses on the hit ITV programme Dancing on Ice are set to replace acid tongued Australian judge Jason Gardiner with his esteemed Holiness the Dalai Lama.

Gardiner recently caused uproar by comparing the costume worn by Sharron Davies to "faecal matter" when it was clear to all viewers that it was in fact her attempt at ice skating that should have been likened to waste material.

Gardiner has incurred the wrath of TV bosses before when he likened media darlings Ant & Dec to " a couple of turds from the back streets of Sunderland " when they are in fact from neighbouring Newcastle. He further infuriated the big wigs at the station when he spent a night of passion with Susan Boyle before her appearance at the Royal Variety Show, which prompted her Royal Highness The Queen to remark " Subo should have waited to pop her cherry until after she had performed in front of one, now that that bald Australian has soiled her I wont be trying to set her up with Andrew" .

Gardiner has courted controversy throughout his career. As a stagehand on Bruce Forsyth's generation game he was responsible for supplying cuddly toys for the conveyor belt section of the show, a number of which were later found to be stuffed with class A drugs. Gardiner fingered a Thai rent boy he had befriended as the purveyor of the attempted smuggling scam.

Gardiner then caused scandal during his stint as the culture expert on the UK version of Queer eye for the straight guy when he was caught on camera applying chloroform to a handkerchief due to be used by a contestant. Gardiner dismissed any notion of wrong doings when he said " I regularly use chloroform to help me doze off after a stressful day, it was a genuine mistake I picked up someone else's handkerchief, I have now had all my handkerchiefs monogrammed so this type of error doesn't happen again".

It has now become apparent that ITV bosses have reached the end of their tether and Gardiner is due to be replaced before next week's show. Top executives have been in Tibet over the last few days thrashing out the deal to bring the spiritual leader on to the panel of the frozen water based extravaganza. An ITV source said "we are keen to get the Dalai Lama on board as quickly as possible, his promotion of basic human values or secular ethics in the interest of human happiness, the fostering of inter-religious harmony and the welfare of people ticks all the boxes".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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