Written by Rajley
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Topics: Britain, Pizza

Friday, 12 November 2004

Stand up comic and former Pizza boy Johnny Vegas admits he has a fear of tomatoes. It was recently revealed when his old friend Paul Herman bought a round of Bloody Marys after a successful Stand Up tour of Britain. Paul told us "It was ironic, I've never seen Johnny so petrified of alcohol. I understand now why he never eats salad. I mean….you just can't eat salad without tomatoes".

The torment began when Johnny began to work for "Pizza Pizza Pizza Pizza" who were in the mist of a name change to get out of being sued by a company called "Pizza Pizza Pizza". Johnny was 18 at the time when he was being ridiculed for not cooking the tomato sauce properly. The former Italian chef who worked for the Pizza Company at the time said "He was stupid ah, he not put enough basil in tomato sauce. What sort of crazy person does that, ah?" Johnny was later demoted to pizza delivery boy

To find solace in life, Johnny played late night stand up comedy gigs in local venues. One night there was no laughter from the audience, instead Johnny was plagued with rotten tomatoes. Out of nowhere, Johnny started laughing as if he was beginning to go crazy. He was still on the stage, but this time quoting the phrase "Tomatoes, tomatoes everywhere, like life tomatoes are bare". He was later driven to a mental hospital.

In the mental hospital he was drawing images of a new superhero called Tomato Man. A retired Doctor remembers asking Johnny about the drawings he said "Johnny used to shake his head all the time whilst speaking about this comic hero". Johnny would say the only thing that would scare Tomato Man is knives and tin openers". I told him that HE would be a comic hero someday too.

Johnny was in the hospital for 6 months until he was accidentally shown a jar of sun-dried tomatoes. He never saw anything so beautiful and realised that if he continued his life like a sun-dried tomato, life will suck him dry. He suddenly stopped shaking his head and was cured. Since then he has been fine apart from one time when somebody squirted ketchup on him and another when he saw a Shakin' Stevens video.

Johnny quit his job as Pizza delivery boy, but it was later claimed he was sacked for refusing to deliver pizzas that had tomato sauce in them. The former Italian chef who worked for the Pizza Company said "What sort of sick person eats-a-pizza without tomato sauce, ah?" We approached Johnny Vegas about this fact, but he refused to comment. He ran for 50 yards and found a taxi.

Johnny Vegas has recently started work in a new sitcom where the main character is an alcoholic. But if he does have to drink a Bloody Mary, he has assured his fans not to worry - he will make it easy on the Bloody and heavy on the Mary.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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