Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Dancing On Ice

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

image for Ofcom Rules That Nasty 'Dancing On Ice' Judge Jason Gardiner Will Not Be Fired
Jason Gardiner sitting in the park reading the Edgar Allan Poe book "Quotes By The Raven."

LONDON - Ofcom, which is the United Kingdom's communication industry's regulator, has ruled that Dancing On Ice judge Jason Gardiner did not violate any established rules, regulations, or bylaws.

The executives of Dancing On Ice received well over 400 complaints about comments that DOI Judge Jason Gardiner made regarding Sharron Davies brown skating outfit.

Ofcom spokesperson Sir Lionel Mountvatten stated in a prepared statement that even though the remarks that Mr. Gardiner made were not exactly nice, they were not bad enough, or even horrible enough, to warrant Gardiner being dismissed from the show or even levied a standard £100 fine [$154 U.S.].

Gardiner's remarks were made after Sharron Davies had completed her dance number. The Australian judge basically implied that Davies' brown outfit looked like reindeer shit and that the way she had danced a three-year-old with a case of diarrhea could have performed much better than she did.

Davies has since been eliminated from the ice skating competition. It is being reported by local newspapers that she has already acquired the services of well-known Wembley barrister Carnaby F. Ketchington and plans to sue Mr. Gardiner for defamation of character, second-degree slander, and habeas corpus.

The shows producer Burgess Willowhouse, when asked to comment on the Gardiner - Davies situation issued a "no comment" statement.

DOI Host Holly Willoughby remarked that Gardiner should have been fired because his ridiculous ranting was not the first time he had acted like a complete and utter baboon arse.

Judge Karen Barber said that Gardiner should not only have been fired, but he should have been fined, and deported back to his home country of Australia, where as Ms. Barber said, "The bloke can criticize the loin cloths that his fellow Aborigine's wear."

Male judge Nicky Slater laughed and said that Gardiner was merely obsessed with the color brown. Meanwhile judge Robin Cousins said that it is really no big deal because everyone knows that whatever Gardiner says is nothing more than the childish, spoiled brat rantings of a lunatic old man who has a tattoo that reads "Long Live Australia" on his ass (arse).

[EDITOR'S NOTE: No explanation as to how Cousins knows about Gardiner's very intimate tattoo.]

Emma Bunton did not want to say anything against Gardiner because she stated that on three different occasions Mr. Gardiner has lent her money.

In a related story. Boy George has personally called Dancing On Ice Producer Burgess Willowhouse and demanded that Jason Gardiner be fired immediately. The Boy added that he is qualified to replace Gardiner since he knows a lot about ice skating having once been named Miss Skaty Skate of Stoke-on-Trent.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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