Written by Bill Licks
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Topics: Cheryl Cole, singing

Monday, 22 February 2010

image for Cheryl Cole to take up singing
Cheryl and Ashley in happier times

Scientists have discovered that singing may be able to help stroke victims regain the ability to speak again by rewiring the brain.

This revolutionary idea has inspired Geordie cage fighter, Cheryl Cole, to give up miming all her classic hits and actually start singing them because she believes she is the victim of a stroke too.

So has the X Factor judge suffered a debilitating brain attack leaving her unable to keep up her good work of giving the tabloids plenty of upskirt photos day after day?

No, she's fine. The stroke she has been the victim of is the one wor Ashley was caught doing on the smutty picture texts he's been sending out to random barmaids, toilet attendants, Americans etc.

Cheryl is currently in hiding somewhere in L.A., the obvious place to hide if you want to avoid any media attention. But in an exclusively made up interview to a room full of tabloid journalists she revealed her next career move and explained the reasons why.

'Ah'm gonna take up singing like,' announced the petite Girls Aloud member. 'Arv been kiddin yers all along with me number one hits coz Ah actually didn't sing anys of 'em miselves like.'

'Ah mimed em all. Ahm really sorry like. Ah got one of mi mates from school to sing the songs pet. But she's dead ugly so ah divvent wanna have the poor lass to suffer havin to look at photos of herself in the newspapers. Tha poor ugly cow.'

'Ah heard that when someone is the victim of a stroke then singing makes them feel better, like. Ahv been the victim when wor Ashley was stroking himself for all them other dirty lasses he's been texting, pet. So singing has really helped me, like. And now Ahm speaking again to all yooz journalists, pets, so it's true what those scientists said at the top of this article, like.'

A spokesman from Cole's record company, EMU, has denied the made up, badly written Geordie speak allegations. 'We're in enough financial shit as it is,' he mumbled, 'Why the hell would we want to take the risk of actually letting her sing one of her songs? Yeah we hate the public but we don't hate them that much so we actually inflict physical pain on them.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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