Cheryl Cole's 'bestest girlfriend' out of Girls Aloud, Sarah Harding hit out at Cheryl's fickle fans today as they deserted the Geordie Chanteuse's stories on satirical websites the world over.
Even in the UK, seemingly diehard Cheryl fans snubbed Cheryl stories, electing instead to read all about Tiger Woods and his heart rending apology to his sponsors for being 'a very naughty boy.'
"It just goes to show what fairweather fans Cheryl has," Sarah Harding told us in between Caribbean bikini changes. "Just when Cheryl thinks she can count on them for moral support, they all switch off and tune in to the Tiger Woods fiasco all over again. These fans ought to be ashamed of themselves, the writers too. Cheryl's kept them in the lap of luxury for weeks with her Ashley kitchen sink drama, but now they're only interested in Tiger Woods. It's disgraceful. Some people treat loyalty like a ship that passes in the night."
No matter how much she protests over the treatment of her long time friend, satirists steadfastly refuse to write satirical articles about Sarah Harding, much to her chagrin.
"Sarah's just not that popular," one satirist told us. "We've all told her that there's no way we'll ever lampoon her, but she just keeps on bouncing back and trying again. Now she's using Cheryl and Tiger to try for attention, which I suppose is fair enough, but she won't ever get spoofed herself. Not on my laptop."
We spoke to an American satirist, Bargis Tryhol, in an attempt to comprehend why the satirical spotlight has suddenly switched from Cheryl to Tiger. He told us:
"Americans just do these things better. Tiger Woods is such a funny guy. I mean, most guys would be bragging if they'd knocked up a scoresheet like Tiger's - he makes even Russell Brand look like a beginner - yet Tiger stands there sobbing about it all, pretending that he's sorry. That is just so funny. If that had been me porking all that tasty tail I'd have it in every store as a box-set with a limited edition with soiled panties included or something."
"Hmmm, soiled panties..." enthused a passing detective who we later identified as Inspector Morse.
Satirist Donkey Foods told us that if Cheryl genuinely wanted to compete with Tiger in the headline stakes then she could do worse than to reinvent herself.
"It seems to work for Madonna," Foods told us. "It's worked for David Bowie too. Heck, if I'm honest, it's a tactic I'd even consider myslef - in appropriate circumstances."
Unfortunately, leading Brit satirists Iain B and birbee were unavailable for comment as Iain B was drinking himself senseless in a rough old boozer in Denton celebrating being a featured writer, and birbee was still trying to peel his face off the carpet following a hectic night of - as he described it - experimentation.
More as we get it.