Metropolis turns to Superman, the Man of Steel, for protection. In Gotham City, they turn on the Bat Signal and call for the services of Batman and Robin. New York City turns to the web slinger, Spiderman, for help when nothing else will save them. Until now, San Francisco has had no one but their police department to turn to.
In a press conference outside of City Hall today, crime fighter Captain Fudgepacker was introduced to an adoring mob. Along with his young sidekick, Banana Boy, he is promising to keep the Streets of San Francisco safe (since Karl Malden died last year at age 87 and Michael Douglas has moved to Hollywood) for citizens and tourists alike.
"Just as Superman stands for truth, justice, and the American Way," said Captain Fudgepacker to an adoring mob, "I plan to stand for the same values that have made this city great. I stand for quotas, special interest groups, free love, and the American Civil Liberties Union Way."
In his first action on the highways and byways and thorougfates of San Francisco, Captain Fudgepacker managed to stop censorship. "I found that local bookstores were refusing to sell magazines that they considered pornographic to minors. I also discovered that they refused to carry such bestsellers as The Anarchist Cook Book. This discrimination must stop. Fifteen year old boys have a right to masturbate to pictures of naked women, even though that would be strange in this city, and sociopaths have the freedom of expression to blow up buildings and kill people."
When asked why he chose San Francisco as the city that he and Banana Boy would protect, Captain Fudgepacker said "because where else in America could a man run around in a mask, cape, and spandex and be treated like normal? Where else can I have a young lad like Banana Boy living with me without question (besides in a Catholic Seminary or at the late Michael Jackson's house)?"