Zoo keeper Roy Schlemmer had no idea what he was getting himself into when he reported to work today at the San Jose Zoo.
The zoo, renowned for being on the cutting edge of safety, announced to employees early last week that today would be the day of their monthly "Escaped Animal Drill."
"It's a pretty simple concept," said Frank McKlorkin, Chief Zoo Keeper. "We have a member of staff put on a gorilla costume. We get out the equipment and pretend to recapture the 'escaped animal' following current protocols."
However, today's Escaped Animal Drill went horribly wrong when Schlemmer was accidentally shot with what turned out to be a live tranquilizer dart.
"We normally check the 'tranq' rifles to make sure they're not loaded before we have the monthly drill," said Herbert Turbo, the Zoo's Head of Security. "This month we figured, 'Hey, they were fine last month. Screw it!'"
The dart, a SleepFast 9000, struck Schlemmer in the left buttock, pumping 500 milligrams of chlorpramazine into his bloodstream.
"He went out like a broken Christmas tree light," McKlorkin told the Spoof. "Then he kind of went limp like a rag doll and fell into Goliath's enclosure."
Unfortunately, Goliath is the Zoo's prize-winning 860-pound silverback gorilla.
Witnesses say Goliath immediately "went to work" on Schlemmer, making "violent gorilla-ass-pounding-love" to him, right through the costume, and in a wide assortment of positions.
"Yeah, Roy always puts on some after shave before coming to work," said Veronica McQuiffen, a senior keeper at the Zoo. "I've warned him a thousand times not to do that, especially when he's got to work around Goliath. It arouses him instantly. We've had to knock poor Goliath out a few times because of that jackass and his scent."
Schlemmer, who woke up during what witnesses are describing as "sloppy seconds", began screaming for help. Unfortunately, his repeated screams of "OH GOD ALMIGHTY PLEASE MAKE IT STOP FOR CHRIST SAKE SOMEBODY HELP ME" sounded remarkably like the mating cries of a female gorilla, which only encouraged the lovesick Goliath.
"It's the gorilla mask," McQuiffen told reporters. "Muffles the screams."
Goliath was allowed to finish having his way with the now traumatized-into-a-coma Schlemmer before Zoo officials dragged him out of the cage. Schlemmer, who is in the Intensive Care Ward at Holy Christ Almighty Hospital, was unavailable for comment.