HOT SPRINGS, Arkansas - Former American Idol Judge Paula Abdul was in Hot Springs to do the ribbon cutting honors at the grand opening of Cousin Cooter's Bacon Curing Shop and Tattoo Parlor.
Abdul told the assembled crowd of 52, or so that she had never been to Arkansas before and that she had no idea at the vast amount of Arkansas residents who are all related to each other.
She said that at the hotel where she is staying, The Ruttin' Razorback Hotel, the desk clerk, Sissy Jo, is married to the custodian, Bubba Bob, who is the cousin of the hotel security guard Junior Bob, who is married to one of the two hotel maids, Elvira Jo, who is having an affair with her step uncle, Buster Bob, who is married to a gelding, Lady Boy.
Abdul stated "And to think that I once felt guilty about having my second cousin once removed fondle my left one for a few seconds. Shiesssh."
Abdul was asked what she thought about her new American Idol judge replacement. She rolled her eyes and remarked that she did not think that (Ellen) DeGeneres is funny.
Paula said that none of Ellen's 'knock-knock- jokes are the least bit funny. And her 'my wife is so fat that...' jokes do not make any sense at all. Paula noted that she has seen Ellen's wife Portia, and if she's fat, Kanye West is Swedish."
Paula said that she heard from a very good source that Ellen will probably be fired, but not because she's not funny.
Abdul said DeGeneres will be terminated because she is a practicing lesbian who goes around bragging that she is married to another woman.
Abdul was asked if she regretted turning down the $10 million salary that AI had offered her. She got somewhat somber and replied that she realizes that she should have taken the money, but her pride would not let her.
She said she wanted $20 million and she was not going to take one cent less. Abdul was told that a reliable unnamed source had noted that so far this year, she (Abdul) has only earned $8,300.
Abdul was surprised. She reached into her purse and pulled out a little spiral pamphlet. She looked at it for a while and said that the figure was incorrect. The correct figure Paula pointed out is actually $8,625.
The ex-Laker dancer was told that the $8,300 amount did not take in to account the $325 she was receiving for her fee as the official ribbon cutter for the grand opening of Cousin Cooter's Bacon Curing Shop and Tattoo Parlor.
Paula blushed and said she had to go get ready for an interview that she was doing with the local newspaper The Hot Springs Sizzlin' Sun.
In other news. Oprah Winfrey stated that she will not be attending the Winter Olympics in Vancouver because as she so eloquently put it, "Lissen up child. Dis old fat gal and damn freezin' snow does not go together, no way, no how, fo sho."