Fox News has announced that it is hiring NBC reject Conan O'Brien to add to their evening powerhouse comedy show lineup. O'Brien, according to his contract however, will have to make a lot of changes before he can be considered true FOX material.
In the past, FOX has put up with humorous material that ran counter to its daily poisoned-tongue conservative diatribe, but with the push to win back conservative governmental control in Washington they can no longer afford that.
Conan might have at one time been a writer for FOX's mega hit The Simpsons, but that sort of material won't fly with their new agenda to give the appearance of a conservative juggernaut that will bulldoze over the 2012 elections whether the American people want it or not.
In his new role, O'Brien is being forced to get a decent haircut (something that looks like it came out of the 50's) and he will be barred from telling jokes against any leading conservative figure unless it reflects them in a 'huggy and lovable' fashion. Furthermore, any jokes he tells about about Democrats have to be so acrid that if you lit them with a match, they would go off like a blow torch.
Conan will be prohibited from off-key singing, twirling around, dancing or making weird noises and movements. Real conservatives must remain stiff at all times. If he wants to run with FOX he will have to fall in step with the others, even if it is a goosestep.
No liberals will be allowed to get on the show and blab their mouths about this environmental hazard or this exposed degenerate Republican senator or that crooked rightist industrialist. The only exceptions would be those who you can make look like a fool and they we will fly over for free first class.
O'Brien is forbidden from showcasing hip-hop mumbo jumbo or avant garde or leftover hippie musicians on the show, it must be strictly country music from now on.
Every other night one of the FOX heavy hitters must be his main guest star. This will be a little tough, but FOX will make up for it by making sure Ann Coulter only wears really short mini skirts when she is on (they'll see if they can get her to do a 'Sharon Stone' for him to make the ratings swell). And we'll make sure that Glen Beck is one of the required FOX personalities at least once a week thus giving O'Brien a wellspring of humor material to work with (remember to make him look huggy and lovable).
The only films that will be promoted on O'Brien's show will be pre-1950's movies from the time when decency still reigned before the 60's came along and let the devil loose in cinema. Stars from those films will be brought in to promote them when they are released on DVD. FOX will build a special wheel chair accessible ramp for their entrance.
O'Brien must wear a suit coat with a HALLIBURTON advertising logo over the lapel, right beneath the Fox one and O'Brien must sign a special contract that will give Fox news license to his soul which will be turned over to Lucifer upon his death. (Beelzebub will be present to act as the signatory witness).