With a voice sometimes shaking with emotion, John Mayer's penis issued a public statement condemning the guitarist's recent racially-charged comments about him in a recent Playboy magazine interview.
Speaking to a gaggle of reporters outside his Los Angeles condo, Mayer's member described his reaction on first hearing the remarks. "John is a lifelong friend, and I love him dearly, which makes what he said about me all the more hurtful. Is there a sense of betrayal? Sure. How could there not be? I just feel like he sort of threw me under the bus, making me take the blame for decisions he's made."
The phallus then spoke directly about the allegations made by Mayer. "I want to make this absolutely clear: I am not now, nor have I ever been, a white supremacist. I don't have a racist bone in my body. I despise [David] Duke and everything he stands for. To be compared to such a despicable person is more hurtful than words can adequately express."
Mayer's penis added, in a quavering voice, "I have spent my entire life trying to be an instrument of love. That's all I've ever wanted to do. To be equated with hate, by someone I thought knew me, is something I don't know I'll ever fully recover from."
Asked if he had spoken to Mayer, who is currently on tour, about the comments, the penis said that he had not, but that, "the door is always open. I'd like to think we've been through enough together that this won't permanently scar our relationship. But John's going to have to make the first move."
John Mayer's management released a statement, stating, "John Mayer values his longstanding personal and working relationship with his penis. The comments made in the Playboy interview were meant to be humorous and were in no way intended to cast aspersions on the character or integrity of John's penis. John apologizes if his genitals took offense, and looks forward to moving forward on future projects together."