In a shocking announcement made at Neverland Ranch yesterday, friends and family of Michael Jackson have revealed that the legendary pop icon is still dead.
"We tried everything," said Jose Artula, President of the Michael Jackson Fan Club. "We even poked him with a stick. He didn't move. He dead."
Jackson, who passed away suddenly in June, had been expected by his legions of worshipers to return from the dead, walk on the water of his enormous swimming pool, and release another album.
However, entertainment mogul Joe Jackson told reporters, "It's going to be real hard to get this whole messiah-cult franchise going if our trademark doesn't resurrect himself pretty soon. We may all have to get work instead of cashing in on his fame yet again."
Although Jackson's failure to return from the dead may be seen as a potential disappointment to the cult that has grown up around him over the years, the revelation that Jackson is, indeed, mortal and expected to remain so has in no way deterred many of his former followers and parasites.
"I know that my redeemer lives," said LaVelle Veleeta, 35, professional breakdancer who lives in his mother's basement and has a court order requiring him to keep 300 yards away from public schools. "He will return to judge the funky and the fresh. And there shall be much moonwalking."
However, other voices are not as enthusiastic. "Just because he died and people liked his music (can't imagine why) doesn't change the fact that this guy was a freak who may or may not have been a pedophile," said Ella Rational, 46, a Milwaukee librarian who does things.
The Jackson family has hired several forensic specialists to monitor Jackson's grave. However, each of them has merely confirmed that the pop legend continues to be dead. More details will be released on this breaking story as they emerge, or fail to emerge.