Gorgeous Girls Aloud cutie Sarah Harding starts every day in a state of dazed confusion, her close friends informed me a few weeks ago when we weren't desperate for a crap story to print.
Now that we are desperate for more meaningless celebrity based twaddle to annoy our readers with, we feel duty bound to report on the ongoing contradiction that is the life of Sarah Harding.
She is blonde, she is beautiful, rich and successful. She is often shown in newspaper and magazine shots looking drop dead gorgeous, usually in a skimpy bikini, wading in a clear blue sea, or reclining in the pounding surf of the Indian Ocean, or the Caribbean, or somewhere.
But we can exclusively reveal the secret heartache behind the glamorous facade, an aching void in this young lady's life which cries out to be filled.
Close friends tell me that wherever in the world Sarah may be at any given time, the first thing she does every day is open up her laptop and scour satirical websites to see if she gets a mention, or a rating, or, well, anything really - anything at all.
But there never is anything.
Every day, Sarah logs off the internet and closes up her laptop, despondent that yet again she appears to have been snubbed by the world's leading satirists.
Friends tell me that Sarah finds it extremely difficult to cope with all the exposure lavished on fellow band member Cheryl Cole, a particular satire favourite while Sarah herself is consistently ignored.
One friend told me:
"Sarah is a smashing girl. She's beautiful, sexy, articulate, intelligent, and she's got a devilish sense of humour. But sadly she doesn't seem to interest the satirists. Which is a shame. A dream come true for her would be to feature in a top Spoof by Spoof legend Bargis Tryhol, where she does something funny like drags her arse across the carpet because she's got worms. Or maybe fall on her arse on Strictly Come Dancing flashing her knickerless camel-toes in an Abel Rodriguez skit. Anything at all would be greatly appreciated, providing Cheryl Cole isn't in it."
Well tough shit Sarah. You aren't getting a Spoof story dedicated to you today or any other day. Regardless of how hot you look frolicking in the sea in a bikini. Not even a story by one of our really crap writers like that Skoob.
It's just not going to happen.
More Cheryl Cole stories as we make them up.
But not Sarah Harding.
Uh-huh. No way.