Tiger Woods has just completed his stay at The Libido Be Gone Sexual Rehabilitation Clinic in Mississippi.
Tiger's physician at the clinic was Dr. Turner Elderflower, noted sex therapist, counselor, and bon vivant.
Dr. Elderflower said that Mr. Eldrick Tont Woods completed the 17-step process and by all accounts appears to be cleared of his former urge of trying to poke every white woman that came within 50 feet of him.
The doctor said that he was especially pleased with Tiger's quick progress and especially with his remarkable performance in step 16.
Elderflower pointed out that in step 16, the sex addict, or challenged patient, as he prefers to call his clients, is shown nude photographs of various well-know celebrities while his penis is attached to wires and an excitement measuring box that measures his degree of excitement while viewing the nude photos.
First, Tiger was shown a photo of Amy Winehouse, and the needle did not move at all. It remained at zero. He was then shown a photo of Kirstie Alley and the meter remained at zero. The next photo that he was shown was a photo of Ann Coulter and the needle finally moved, but it went in the opposite direction and measured a minus 2.
The readings for Winehouse, Alley, and Coulter were normal. The doctor pointed out that in the two years he has been administering this particular test, none of the three have ever even received a reading of one.
He noted that Coulter has gone down as far as minus 4.
Dr. Elderflower said that Tiger was then shown photos of Gisele Bundchen, Heidi Klum, and Carrie Underwood. With Bundchen and Klum the meter remained at zero. And with Carrie the meter barely hit number one.
The doctor pointed out that he was thrilled because under normal circumstances Bundchen and Klum usually get readings of 9 and 10 with normal males and readings of 2 and 3 with patients.
Dr. Elderflower stated that with Miss Underwood, normal males hit 10 and patients have hit as high as 4, which means that the patient will probably have to remain at the clinic for an extra week or so.
Dr. Elderflower showed the test results to Tiger's wife and he said that she was thrilled to see the extremely low numbers. She was told that according to the readings, her husband should now be able to walk into the dressing room of the Miami Dolphin cheerleaders with every single cheerleader totally naked and her husband's winky should not get an erection at all.
Elin asked the doctor what if her husband did get an erection. He smiled and said that it is highly unlikely but if it does ever happen then hopefully he will have the mental, physical, emotional, and sexual fortitude to get home to her as soon as possible or perhaps she could meet him halfway at a motel.
Mrs. Woods said that she was certainly pleased with the results of her husband's stay. She shook hands with Doctor Elderflower and remarked that she feels confident in saying that it was definitely $300,000 well spent.
When Elin Nordegren picked up her husband at the clinic she informed him that the NFL Opening Festivities Committee had stated that they wanted for him to conduct the pre-game coin-toss.
Tiger was thrilled beyond belief and asked Elin if it would be alright with her.
She smiled, took a drink out of her bottle of Southern Comfort and remarked, "Go for it bro."
In a related story. The National Football League has stated that all of the game footballs will each be equipped with a special mini-camera which will clearly show the action on the field from a totally different perspective that has never been seen before.