Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 3 February 2010

image for Fans of Dancing On Ice Demand That Judge Jason Gardiner's Arse Be Kicked Back To Australia
London police stationed outside of Jason Gardiner's hotel trying to keep the fans of Sharron Davies at bay.

LONDON - Well it appears that Dancing On Ice Judge Jason Gardiner has gone and stirred up quite a sh*t storm.

Yes, the Aussie judge has most definitely stepped in it this time.

Gardiner who has a reputation for his venomously vulgar commentary, his sarcastically spiteful spewings, and his rancorously ribald remarks highly offended skating contestant Sharron Davies after her performance.

The 44-year-old judge from 'down under' said that watching Davies in her brown Smokey the Bear leotard was like watching faecal (sic) matter that won't flush but simply goes round and round and round.

The shows host Phillip Schofield immediately asked Gardiner to apologize, but the Australian said that he would not do it and that no one, not even Chelsea football star John Terry could make him.

Schofield told Gardiner to leave poor John out of this as he already has his hands full, so to speak, with all of his extramarital dilly dalliances with that muffin-waisted French tw*t Eva Lasspreencorn.

A representative for Dancing On Ice, Mildred Coxwell stated that just since the show aired, the shows producers have received over 1.7 million emails, text messages, letters, and phone calls demanding that Gardiner be kicked off the show and sent packing back to his beloved Australia.

One 93-year-old Dancing On Ice viewer, Marigold Pickerd of West Bromwich said "Mr. Gardiner needs ta be sent back to Australia where the bloomin' bloke can go and offend some blithering aborigine and see if he duzzn't get hisself a blimey bamboo spear stuck up his fookin' (blank)."

And Manchester native, Agatha Corkindoll, 78, commented that it is time for the G-man to pack his frilly undies and get his smut-laden vulgarian mouth out of our beautiful England.

Corkindoll added that it would not hurt her feelings one gobsmacked bit if Gardiner also took Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan, Tony Blair, and Amy Winehouse with him as well.

And even Buckingham Palace chimed in with a statement. It read in part that her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II, is an avid viewer of Dancing On Ice and she was strongly shocked to hear Mr. Jason Gardiner's uncalled for vitriolically scathing utterances against a British subject.

The Queen even went so far as to say that she is in the process of having the proper paperwork processed in order to have this sarcastically spiteful heathen shipped back to the land of the kangaroos, koala bears, and Mr. and Mrs. Keith Urban (Nicole Kidman).

Each of the four other Dancing On Ice judges was asked for his or her opinion on the matter and each one declined to weigh in with a comment, statement, or opinion.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Judge Robin Cousins did make a statement afterwards that he would like to see Gardiner replaced by either Katie Price-Reid, Cheryl Tweedy-Cole, or Toni Poole-Terry.]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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