Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 2 February 2010

image for Rip Torn Botches Bank Robbery
Botched Bank Robbery Send Rip Torn to get ripped and torn.

Famous for numerous movie roles, most recently acting as "Zed" in the Men in Black series, aging actor and now alleged bank robber, Rip Torn, was held in Connecticut jail following a failed attempt at making an early withdrawal without an account.

Some witnesses claim that substance abuse may have been involved in the event, while Torn entered the branch without so much as modified makeup, much less a ski mask to hide his identity. "He's got a unique and recognizable voice. Once we heard him stumble through his 'give me your money or else' speech, we know it was him", says bank patron Zelda Stocks.

The police were called immediately and arrived on the scene in minutes. Torn was removed from the bank without incident, though several tried to ask for Torn's autograph. The hand cuffs made it difficult, but Torn honored his fans with a scrawled letter "R" on their deposit forms while on his way to the squad car.

Others interviewed about the incident are thrilled at the chance that Torn might be visiting them soon. Inmates at the Connecticut State Penitentiary are looking forward to welcoming the Hollywood legend. "He's cute for an old man and he doesn't look like he would fight back much", says Spider Clan leader Chico Spredd. "I don't know if that's his real name, but hopefully we can prevent him getting ripped or torn with a little lube".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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