Written by snoz bunsen
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Topics: tabloid, journalists

Friday, 15 October 2004

image for Bare Faced Billy
The planet Connolly allegedly inhabits

Former funnyman turned royal-rubbing sycophant, Billy Connolly, has outraged the parasite community following a recent foul-mouthed outburst in which he compared them to tabloid journalists.
In an act of bare faced chutzpah worthy of a prime minister, the Scottish exigent has refused to apologise stating only, "farty bum, I know Prince Andrew, jobby, willy," at a hurriedly arranged press conference at his fishing lodge on the Thames estuary on Tuesday..

Connolly -who retired from comedy in the late 1980's- has spent the last decade travelling the world, charging large groups of assembled nostalgics £50 a head to swear at them for two hours. One such nostalgic was yesterday quoted as saying, "It's a tad hypocritical (for Connolly to be) bad mouthing parasites when he has spent the last twenty years living off his early success of the 1970's."

In a dramatic turn of events many of Connolly's personal parasites have been abandoning him in droves. A. Graveolens and his wife Mary -an ixodid tick- were two of the first to leave and Mr. Graveolens last night told our reporter, "Mary and I have been living in Billy's beard since the (Billy and) Albert tour and despite a purple patch in the mid 1990's it's been a hand to mouth existence to be honest." Mr. Graveolens added, "I know some marine parasites who hang around with some pretty big fish so I'd suggest he think twice before making any more thoughtless outbursts."
Not all parasites are abandoning the burned out comedian however. One member of the genus australi-americas-sexatherapus-fellowsycophanthus, who wished to remain anonymous stated that she will be continuing to cling to the Big-Yin's coat tails, feeding on any further detritus spouting from his rear end.

Connolly shot to fame after telling risqué jokes and laughing at himself on the 1970's television show, ‘Perky.' In one such joke, he told of a man who buried his dead wife with her bottom exposed, thus providing him with somewhere to park his bicycle. Yesterday, a trophozoite of Acanthamoeba Castellani suggested Connolly himself be buried with his backside exposed and stated, "you could arrange for the public to queue up and charge them a pound each to kick him up the arse. Profits could then be sent to the families of loved ones killed in the Iraq alluvion."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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