Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 2 February 2010

image for Dancing On Ice: Mrs. Gordon Ramsay Skates Off and Heather Mills Wears The Tightest Shorts In London
A reader reading Tana Ramsay's first cookbook entitled "Cooking In The Nude Could Be A Might Harrowing."

LONDON - Tana Ramsay, wife of the star of Hell's Kitchen and Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, Gordon Ramsay, was the fourth celebrity ice skater to be eliminated from this season's Dancing On Ice.

Tana, who was partnered with Stuart Widdal, seemed to be in good spirits going into the skate-off against Danny Young and his partner Frankie Poultney.

But after her performance she was literally devastated by the comments of the five judges.

Nicky Slater said that her performance was bad, very bad, but added that at least now she has time to go home and write another cookbook.

Karen Barber told Tana that she looked like what Susan Boyle would look like if she suddenly put on a pair of skates and proceeded to dance.

Jason Gardiner said that he had to laugh to keep from crying because she was frigidly horrid. He laughed and said that he swore he heard two penguins laughing backstage.

While the judges were giving Tana and Stuart their critiques, the camera would occasionally pan towards the host Holly Willoughby and one could see how heartbroken she was listening to the horrible remarks that the judges were dishing out to the 35-year-old Tana Ramsay.

When it came Robin Cousins time to speak, he simply said that she (Tana) is lucky that she has a very rich husband. He then added that with Mr. Widdal's help she had set ice skating back three years.

After Cousins got through speaking Holly turned her attention to Tana who was now in tears. Holly told her that she looked absolutely stunning in her pink skimpy halter top and cute little miniskirt which highlighted her stunningly attractive legs.

Willoughby then looked at Gordon Ramsay sitting in the audience and told him that he was a very lucky man to have such a graciously charming wife as Tana. One could see tears in Chef Ramsay's eyes.

Tana nodded approvingly at Holly and softly said thank you. And then Gardiner had to throw in his two cents and say that he was judging an ice skating exhibition, not a MILF fashion show at one of the malls.

The audience stood up collectively and proceeded to give Gardiner a standing boo.

The one celebrity who stood out was the ex-Mrs. Paul McCartney, Heather Mills.

Heather really attracted the studio audience's attention as well as the viewing audience at home with what has got to be one of the tightest, shortest, skimpiest pair of white shorts found anywhere in London and possibly the United Kingdom.

Jason Gardiner took one look at her and simply said, "Wow!"

Nicky Slater had to be told by Karen Barber to put his tongue back in his mouth. And Karen was seen to be enjoying the view that Mills was providing right along with all of the other males in the studio as well as the judges.

Robin told Heather "Miss Mills, I duzzn't wish ta sound like a chap's chap (veiny bang stick), but I do declare and must ask how did Sir Paul manage to let a lovely creature like yourself get away?"

Mills blushed, blew him a kiss, and made the 'call me' hand phone signal.

Emma Bunton just sat there starring at Heather from head to toe. Nicky asked "Well?" And Bunton remarked that if she were a man she would most definitely try her best to at least get to third base before the evening ended.

Heather turned red. Holly turned red. And Emma turned red.

Tune in next week to see if Heather Mills decides to skate in the nude.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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