Written by Xinix Xaxx
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Monday, 1 February 2010

Everyone knew Nelson Muntz, the famous bully from the Simpsons with his equally famous catchphrase, "HA ha!!" was trying to get his character changed. He succeeded, but not in the way he wanted. Nelson has been fired from the show and his character's spot as head bully will be filled by a new actor, "Qiuck" Harvey Brown. Brown begins taping episodes later this month. Nelson's disappearance will not even be mentioned on the show, he simply will no longer be there.

Nelson had been trying to soften his character a little, trying to get his character to be more like the actor whose name he shares. Nelson himself is nothing like his character. The real Nelson is a quiet, introspective man. Yes, man. Nelson is actually 31 years old. He is one of several dwarf actors employed to portray children in various TV shows. Nelson was often seen, after a scene in which he was particularly vile to another character, to rush from the set to either his trailer or a rest room. Unconfirmed reports say he wept.

In real life Nelson prefers playing cards to punching, he'd rather play his accordion than humiliate someone, and on more than one occasion, Nelson has resorted to floral arrangement to settle an argument rather than shouting, cursing or fighting.

"Every year on Valentine's day, we'd each get a basket of goodies and a card from Nelson. He never forgot a birthday or anything," say Bart Sellens, who plays Bart Simpson. "I really liked Nelson. He was a good guy. They should have kept him on and let his slowly become less of a (explitive deleted)."

"I originally read for the part of Rod Flanders," Nelson says. "They looked at me and said 'We've got our bully.' instead. Dolph, Kearney and Jimbo has already been cast, but they wanted a leader for the gang. Kearney was the first choice, but they said he was too tall. I don't know why. They put me in the shorts and vest, taught me how to throw a punch and, whammo, I was Nelson Muntz, bully at large."

Rudolph Anton, who plays Kearney remembers how he met Nelson.

"He looked terrified. I helped him out, gave him tips for playing a 'bad boy' and he took them to heart. I never saw someone more eager to please, more ready to play his part and be a part of a team." Anton remembers, fondly. "I wanted him to be my brother, on the show and in real life!"

Nelson is not going to sit back and feel sorry for himself, he told reporters.

"I have other things lined up. I'm going to play an alien on Star Wars Clone Wars, and they say it might be a recurring role. I have a guest spot on Spongebob coming up, I'll be in costume, or course, but I'll be in the show. I was talking to the guys at Family Guy, and they said they might have a few spots I could play on the Cleveland Show. The problem is that I'm so well known as the bully, a lot of offers have come in as a one-show bully or villain. That's the last thing I want to play now." Nelson said.

Even if his acting career folds completely, Nelson is not concerned. He made a fortune investing his Simpsons pay, lives in a small mobile home and drives a cheap car.

"I always made sure to save every cent I could and live cheap. I own about three hundred pounds of gold and I have no idea how much silver right now," Nelson admits. "As well as a couple gyms, four diners in North and South Carolina, land in North Carolina. I have a diverse stock portfolio, and plenty of money in savings accounts. Best of all, I own the biggest greenhouse and gardening centre in North Carolina, or at least in the western half, and I can always just go work there. Nothing would be more wonderful than getting paid to create beauty, to grow plants and teach others how to grow plants." He laughs. "I bet you'd never have expected that out of Nelson's mouth! Oh, and for the record, I am heterosexual, and there are at least a dozen women who work somehow in making the Simpsons show who can confirm that."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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