Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 31 January 2010

image for Alex Reid Wins Celebrity Big Brother - Katie Price Buys Him A 16th Century Castle
The 16th century castle that Katie Price bought for Alex Reid is shown in the background on the left.

LONDON - Cage-fighter Alex Reid emerged victorious in this years edition of Celebrity Big Brother.

The 34-year-old Reid upon being announced as the winner quickly proclaimed that Katie Price is not only the love of his life, and the woman of his dreams, but she is also the sole owner of his (blank).

The word was of course bleeped so none of the home viewers got to hear the word but the studio audience certainly heard it and one audience member who resides in Pimlico, Ambrose Pilkington, said that the word that Reid uttered rhymes with measuring stick.

The second place finisher was Dane Bowers, member of the boy band Another Level. Bowers had dated Katie Price before Alex did. He was interviewed by Emma and she asked him how he felt.

He looked at her and replied, "Well let me see. I just lost. I came in second. I failed. I am embarrassed. Emma you tell me how the eff do you effen think that I effen feel?"

Emma turned red and told him never mind that she would not be interviewing him after all as he was nothing but a crybaby, sore-ass loser.

She then went over to interview the winner Alex Reid, aka The Reidnator, aka Rocky. He was excited and taking drinks from a bottle of Guinness Beer. Katie was drinking a Diet Pepsi.

Emma asked Reid how he was feeling. He wiped the sweat off his brow and told her that he was feeling like his dogs had just cornered three foxes up a tree.

He said that the only way that he could possibly feel any happier is if she shut the microphone off and had the cameraman stop filming and Katie got off his lap, knelt down between his knees, and gave him a (blank) job.

Emma turned red and said that she would be keeping the microphone on and the cameraman would keep on filming thank you very much.

Emma turned to Katie and asked her how she felt about everything. She smiled and said that it was all exactly the way she felt that it would go. She then said that she had, after all read the script.

Alex gave her a stare that could melt the Tower Big Ben. Emma informed him that he had received 65.9 percent of the vote.

He was asked if it was true that he had donated the mankini that he had worn on one of the shows to The Big Ben Clock Cleaning Fund. He replied that he had and that it had been auctioned off for £8,000 [$12,785 U.S.].

He was then told that Katie had something special to tell him. She was handed the mic and she told Alex that she knows how much he likes history so she had gone out and bought him a 16th century English castle.

She then reached in her purse and took out some photos of his castle. Alex was so overjoyed that he picked her up and told the studio audience that she was going to be the queen of his castle.

Dane hollered out, so I guess that makes me the king. Alex turned to him and remarked, "Daney boy, I'm the king, Katie is the queen, and that makes you the joker."

In other news. Simon Cowell has told a reporter for The London Hand-Held Mirror that there is absolutely no truth to the rumor that the reason Paula Abdul left American Idol was because she was pregnant with his child.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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