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Saturday, 30 January 2010

image for 'Nobodies Hurt Our Ears' Haiti relief single to be inflicted on the public
'Another natural disaster! Quick, get into Sadego recording studios at once!'

Lots of talentless nobodies that rely on the media to be famous and to sell their 'music' to the public today announced they were going to inflict a version of the REM song 'Nobodies Hurt Our Ears' on the public in aid of their own self-publicity. The single will hopefully be unavailable in any music shops but tragically will be played on many radio stations.

It will feature the 'stars' Anorexy Meboak, Jon Bon Poodly and JLZzz, and there's even a possibility that such dire 'acts' as Shit's That and Mariah Moosey and Shouldbeon Thedole may also join in in the tragedy, one that was the idea of lisping Kenneth Williams impersonator Shimon Bowell.

'I cannot think of a more dreadful song being murdered by lots of talentless nobodies than this, and all just to keep my management company earning plenty of royalties', Bowell said, 'and of course why else would such non-entities with no talent and half of them only in the news for being circus freaks appear in a joint single except for their own publicity?'

But Anorexy Meboak - who once appeared in the Australian soap opera 'What Bores' as the character Bulimia Skinnyworth - denied she was just desperate to get into the news for no reason. 'I deny it all', she said, 'just ask my manager Shimon Bowell, he'll tell you I'm doing it all for charidee.' And Jon Bob Poodly agreed with the tiny Australian squeaker.

'Shimon Bowell phoned me up and said to me 'Jon, I'm scraping the barrel to put together a team of nobodies to get in the media for no reason except to make me more money, and I couldn't persuade anyone talented to do it, so could you come along and mime in front of the TV cameras to some dirge that can be dressed up as a 'charity record'?'

''There's nothing in it for you, though, except to get lots of free publicity. Oh, and make sure you put your poodle onto your head, otherwise nobody will remember that you were famous in the 80s singing with the Van Helsing band.''

The single is expected to be released next week and then melted down another week later, but many people that charity records are supposed to help called for such music to be banned from being made. From Port-au-Prince in Haiti earthquake survivor Miss Pronounciation de la Sole said:

'What dey whities think helps us with dis tripe? It make no sense, mon, 'tis nothing but dey needin' more moolah, me knows. Dey poodle rockers and dat Shimon Bowell make me wanna puke, why dey no come 'ere and get dere spades out and dig through the rubble here if dey wanna help dis island?????'

Despite it only being a tasteless and pathetic self-publicity stunt, here are the lyrics to the charity embarrassment:

'When your career is gone, down the drain
Think you've had enough - success, hang on
So phone up Shimon Cowell
He'll make up lots of lies
Then everyone will hate - this song

Sometimes things go wrong, in this world
Death and earthquakes strike, it's sad
But just forget about all that
You want fame just like a brat
Then everyone will hate - this song

Sometimes you have to admit
All your records have been total shit
But thanks to a quake in Haiti
You'll be on TV for 'charity'

Think we've had enough, of this tripe
Yes, we've had enough, parasites
But everybody hates
Charity that makes
Lots of money for - nobodies'

(Words by Midge Bore/Bob Livedoff-Bandaidforyears'; Music by The Kaiser Gits, Unkeen, Sir Pale Macpoorernow and Vladimir Lennon;

Produced by George Martin-Lewis, mixed by Gary Roads, remixed by Delia Canary)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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