A recent summarizing report from the New York Restaurant Inspection Bureau revealed the following:
OOPS! Dropped That One!
The first thing every one of them want to keep secret is that when a plate tips or flips, the contents come right up off the floor onto a new dish and then directly to you for your dining pleasures. Whatever is on the ground when it goes SPLAT!, you get as a free topping.
Second, is the use of FIFO. Its sort of like the Accounting concept; The first vegetables prepared at the beginning of the month are reheated over and over and served up each evening until gone. Yum.
The third thing is that cooks almost always entertain themselves by spiting between the buns of a sandwich or using the soup kettle as a spittoon. Really hard to detect when its spinach soup on the ol' menu.
CHEAPER INGREDIANTS = HIGHER PROFITS
Fourth up are the venerable food substitution schemes, such as using cheap thin cut seal blubber for calamari or replacing diced clams with moldy Head Cheeses in Clam Chowder. After you cook it long enough it all looks the same.
SUPER MARIO BROTHERS, RESTAURANT STYLE
Last but a favorite, is the games the cooks play in the back with the grill. Some high end Restaurants have been closed because hidden video tapes captured cooks flipping roaches onto the grill to see how far they would crawl until they fry, and then pulling the legs off and flipping them into the Three Bean Salads. No complaints were ever received from patrons, so apparently they ate the roaches and never knew. MMMMMM! *Tasty Free Additional Protein*
These and many more New York fine dining secrets can be yours by mailing $9.99 + $2.00 S&H for a copy of "Secrets New York Restaurants Don't Want You to Know", Box 777, Kankakee, Illinois. Please wait 6-8 weeks for delivery.
Reporting from New York's Finest Diners,
Dagnabbit Rabitt Reporting