Written by Xinix Xaxx
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Topics: Banks, Theft, Cartoon

Friday, 29 January 2010

image for Wile E. Coyote Arrested during Bank Robbery
First National Citizen's Trust

Wile E. Coyote was captured in the South Main Street branch of First Citizen's National Trust bank as he attempted to steal money.

The coyote entered the bank masked and carrying a shotgun. He held up a sign that read "Put the money in the bag! Loose bills only!" and threw a burlap sack on the counter in front of the tellers.

One of the tellers pushed a panic button and a customer dialed the emergency police number, 555, on his cellular phone. Officers arrived in minutes, probably due partially to the fact that the police retirement fund is kept at that bank, and surrounded the building in a bristling ring of guns and badges.

Inside, the Wile E. Coyote had not noticed anything going on. He was concentrating on watching the money going into his burlap sack.

"He was clearly watching to make sure I didn't slip in a dye pack," said bank teller Gladys Johnson, "He knew where it (the dye pack) was and what to demand to avoid it. If the cops hadn't come, he might have made it away."

When Wile E. Coyote stepped out of the bank, he stared into a dozen police issue pistols, shotguns and AR-15 rifles. He froze, possibly wondering if he could escape somehow. As he stood motionless, gun pointed at the ground, a man inside the bank charged out and tackled the Coyote, knocking him flat. The man was Six-foot five-inch, 20 stone (280 lbs) Marcus Dell, a professional wrestler called the Mississippi Mangler, who was doing his own banking when he was interrupted.

"I had to stop him." Marcus explains. "He stole my whole paycheck and I didn't have a receipt. I need that money or I'll lose my apartment. But hey, maybe now if this gets out, I'll become a good guy!"

Dell is considered a very good guy by everyone in the bank that day. The police were unofficially pleased as well, but on the record, stated Dell should not have risked his life in such a manner. Off the record, they were happy that there were no shots fired and nobody, not even Wile E. Coyote, was seriously hurt.

While questioned by the police, Wile E. Coyote did not even attempt to deny he was robbing the bank. He confessed, in a surprisingly melodious voice with just a hint of a northern accent, that he was desperate for cash. He had bills, he said, that needed to be paid.

"I owe Acme over seven million dollars," the obviously depressed and desperate coyote said. "How do you think I buy all that crap I use to try to catch that darn bird?"

The Road Runner, who refused to comment but instead just looked at the ground and slowly shook his head, won't have to worry about being chased for a while. If convicted, Wile E Coyote faces up to 25 years in prison and a fine of not less than $5,000 or more than $15,000. It is believed the prosecution will attempt to get the maximum penalty, but the defense is sure they can get Wile E. Coyote a minimum sentence if they can not get him cleared of any wrongdoing at all.

"He was desperate. His life has been terrible, he's been half-starved for years and that Acme Corporation kept sending him inferior junk. He has a case against Acme, regardless of the outcome of the bank-robbery charges.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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