Written by Xinix Xaxx
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Topics: Cartoon, Smurfs

Thursday, 28 January 2010

Things are not good for the little blue folks. First they lost nearly everything to Scrappy Doo, and then were forced to move to a single dwelling made for them by Habitat for Humanity. The lost one of their number, Farmer Smurf, to prison after it was discovered he had been trying to grow a cash crop of marijuana. However, in the past ten days, new developments might have brought the Smurfs to rock bottom. In the past five days, there have been revelations, deaths, and illness.

On Tuesday, Hefty Smurf was found in his bunk by Handy Smurf. Hefty had died in his sleep. An autopsy showed he had never stopped using steroids, as he had sworn to Papa Smurf. His body was laid to rest on Wednesday as an autopsy on someone that tiny takes very little time, and at the graveside service, Greedy Smurf passed out. He was later found to be suffering from bulimia and was hospitalized for this. That was how his other problem came to light.

Greedy Smurf, who always worked long hours cooking and baking for his fellows, had resorted to using methamphetamines to help him work not only at feeding his friends, but to work at a local fast food restaurant as the voice in the Drive-Thru speaker box. The combination of binging and purging and the drugs was wreaking havoc on his system.

"I thought something was wrong," says Clumsy Smurf. "He wasn't as blue as he had been. He was looking awfully green, especially in his face and hands."

Doctors do not know if Greedy will make a full recovery. The repeated vomiting has left Greedy with severe erosive esophagitis; his stomach acids have eaten away at the lining of his throat making his esophagus thinner and weaker than it should be, and creating an ulcer-like state from the back of his mouth to his stomach. Doctors are concerned about Greedy rupturing his throat when swallowing.

As Greedy was taken away in an ambulance from the graveside service for Hefty, Brainy Smurf broke down into uncontrollable sobs. He choked out a few words as he cried, and the Smurfs were amazed to hear him admit he was gay. Clumsy Smurf took a few steps away, a simple gesture that sent Brainy into renewed and worse sobs. He was hysterical for about three hours before calming enough to talk.

"I've been gay for as long as I can remember," Says Brainy. "I didn't want to be, I wanted to fall for Smurfette, but I just couldn't. I used to spend nights dreaming of the other Smurfs in ways they'd never have believed."

Brainy went on to admit his absolute unconditional love for Clumsy Smurf and for Dreamy Smurf. Clumsy told Brainy he was his best friend, but couldn't be more than that. Dreamy just walked away, out of their new home, and vanished. None of the Smurfs were concerned, since being forced to leave their village; Dreamy had been walking alone a lot. Brainy was too distracted to worry, as he was trying to talk to his Smurf family.

"Everyone was shunning me at first. They all said I was not who they thought I was. They said I ruined Hefty's funeral by spitting out something as awful as being gay. It was actually a full week before they started talking to me again, and at first it was just Swishy Smurf who would come to me to talk. He told me a secret, I can't repeat it here, but I can say this much. Just because he dresses differently doesn't mean he is. He said he had his own secret burden to carry and it wasn't any easier for him to keep it inside than it had been for me. He just doesn't want to come out and say it yet." Brainy says, hanging his head and not without a tear in his eye.

Brainy's revelation wasn't the last thing to rock the Smurfs to their core. Only two days later, on Saturday afternoon, the evil wizard Gargamel delivered a message to the Smurfs. He'd caught Dreamy and was going to eat him. The others Smurfs had two hours to come say goodbye before Dreamy would be gone. When the other Smurfs arrived at Gargamel's new condo, they found they had been tricked. Gargamel had indeed captured Dreamy, but by the time the Smurfs arrived, he was already cooked and the rest of the Smurfs had to watch as Gargamel devoured their friend.

"I just wish we'd had his body to bury, at least," cried Smurfette, "and when Gargamel came to our home and (moved his bowels) ten hours later, we couldn't bear to think of what might have been in it. We buried the (stool) but there was a lot of (retching) as we did. Poor Dreamy was buried in the worst way possible."

When asked for a comment, Gargamel told this reporter "I'll never eat another one. Not only did he not taste as good as I thought, but he gave me serious indigestion. Next time I grab some, I'll just turn them into gold."

The Smurfs only had one day to mourn before another tragedy struck them. Their avian friend Feathers the Stork was sucked into the engine of a DC-10 as he was flying to the Smurf's home. Nothing was left of him other than a few feathers that drifted slowly down. To make matters worse, Tailor Smurf was riding Feathers at the time of the accident, as he'd needed to gather flax to make more clothes for the Smurfs. Nothing was found of him. The Smurfs were so shocked they couldn't even react, remembers Handy Smurf.

"We just stood there and stared up at the sky where they'd been. It was so fast. They were there, then, just some feathers drifting down toward that retarded fellow at the bus stop. He took one and put it in his suitcase. I think he somehow knew it was important."

A few hours later, Vanity, Lazy and Grouchy Smurf returned home with a bottle of amber coloured liquid. None of the Smurfs had experience with bourbon until that day. Suffice to say, they all were able to forget everything for a little while after opening the bottle. They started drinking the bourbon on Monday, after watching Tailor and Feathers die, and it was Wednesday before they were able to recover enough to function. They staggered off to whatever jobs they still had and somehow made it through their day.

The worst was yet to come.

Thursday morning, at about 10 AM, four or five human teenagers set fire to the Smurfs new home. Most of the Smurfs were out at work or doing other chores, but there were still several in the very dry wooden structure. There were fatalities, to be listed below, and this reporter asks what can happen to the poor Smurfs next? Their lives have gone from an picture-postcard perfect village, which was a perfect working model of communism, all of them sharing everything from tools to food to chores, to a life of hell on Earth in a bad part of Charlotte, North Carolina where they not only have to worry for their livelihoods and home, but for their very lives.


Lost Smurfs...

Hefty Smurf: Died in his sleep of steroid overdose.
Dreamy Smurf: Cooked and eaten by Gargamel.
Tailor Smurf: Killed by a jet airplane as he flew on Feathers the Stork
Lazy Smurf: Died in the Fire
Grouchy Smurf: Died in the fire
Vanity Smurf: Died in the fire
Jokey Smurf: Died in an explosion of his own making in the fire.
Sloppy Smurf: Died in the fire
Harmony Smurf: Died in the fire
Painter Smurf: Died in the fire
Poet Smurf: Died in the fire

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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